The Dead Snob’s Dictionary

As with all hobbies, digressions, obsessions, and white people shit, Deadheadery contains with it many levels of interest. There are Noobs, of course, who have heard Skeletons in the Closet and several other studio albums; Polywogs, who got into the band via John Mayer but have already purchased a van; Talcums, who are covered with a fine, soothing powder and also love Sugaree; and Old Guys Who Wanna Tell You How Many Times They Saw Jerry, who are old guys who wanna tell you how many times they saw Jerry. (OGWWTYHMTTSJ’s always call Garcia “Jerry” like they were buds.)

And there is the Dead Snob. The Dead Snob does not have opinions, no. The Dead Snob knows facts. Furthermore, the Dead Snob does not recognize your question as legitimate. Penultimately, the Dead Snob doesn’t listen to far more Grateful Dead music than he does listen to. Ultimately, the Dead Snob can confidently be referred to using the masculine pronoun.

What to do if you’re cornered by a Dead Snob, or run into him in his natural habitat, the internet? Here are some shibboleths that will help you through the conversation.

Cardboard Cowboy This 1966 original was never recorded, and is therefore the Dead Snob’s favorite song.

Deadbase The Dead Snob loves Deadbase, but only to complain about the errors. Good chance that the Dead Snob you’re speaking with wrote portions of Deadbase; he will complain about those portions, as well.

Steve Kimock There CAN BE NO DEBATE over the fact that Steve Kimock was the best Fake Jerry. If given the opportunity, a Dead Snob will launch into a semi-extemporaneous 20-minute speech about how the Farewell Shoes would have been better if Kimock was there.

Cornell The Dead Snob’s favorite Cornell show is 5/16/81. If you engage the Dead Snob about 5/8/77, you will never regain his respect.

Mickey’s Solo Albums Be prepared to have an opinion on Diga when interacting with a Dead Snob. The word “monochord” will also be bandied about.

Audio Options The Dead Snob’s hierarchy of sound goes thusly: Bootleg Vinyl>Third Generation Cassette>PONO (Dead Snobs are also really into Neil Young)>ALAC/FLAC>8-Track. The Dead Snob will not listen to an MP3 on principle.

Monet Weir Do not discuss Monet Weir with the Dead Snob; it won’t end well.

“A Bit Same-y” The Europe 72 show’s fatal flaw.

Alembic Formerly the preferred luthiers of Garcia and Phil, this high-end guitar shop now caters mostly to rich guys in tribute bands who are incapable of truly rocking Fort Lauderdale’s Monkeyshines Bar & Grill every Tuesday night without a $9,000 guitar that weighs 30 pounds.

Ultramatrix Dead Snobs swear by these rare mixes of the soundboard and audience, done live and broadcast via pirate FM signal by Dan Healy in 80’s

Dan Healy The Trotsky of the Grateful Dead, according to Dead Snobs.

To be continued…