The Invention Of The Hebrew Calendar

THE MIDDLE EAST – 5778 YEARS AGO

“Shlomo?”

“Yes, Shushy?”

“I had an idea.”

“Oy. Is it like the idea you had for hats? Because I have to tell you: we have the worst hats.”

“It’s not about hats.”

“They don’t keep your head warm, and they don’t keep the sun out of your eyes.”

“The idea is not hat-related.”

“And they fall off constantly. Is your idea bobby pins? Because we could use bobby pins.”

“Forget about the hats, Shlomo. This is a big idea. You’re gonna plotz.”

“Is it magazines? I could go for a nice general-interest magazine. I was at the podiatrist the other day and I had nothing to read while I was waiting.”

“Not magazines. I think I invented a calendar.”

“A what?”

“A calendar. You know how the rivers flood once every twelve full moons?”

“Sure.”

“I think that means something. So I wrote it down.”

CALENDAR REVEALING NOISE

“Where did you get that printed? The pyramids haven’t even been built yet.”

“Don’t worry about it. Each full moon is called a ‘month.’ And then after twelve, we start all over again.”

“And it fits neatly like that?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. My system requires constant tinkering and rejiggering and the occasional 13th month to keep it straight.”

“Why?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure but I think the moon is far less important in the grand scheme of things than we think.”

“We are remarkably primitive.”

“Barely human, yeah.”

“13th month?

“Uh-huh. Seven out of every nineteen years are leap years that require an extra month. Also, no matter what we do, we’re still gonna lose a couple days every decade.”

“Shushy, I think you need to take this idea back to the woodshed.”

“You’re a nut. This is great plan.”

“I don’t know about that. When does the year start?”

“September.”

“Can you be more specific than that?”

“I cannot.”

“Oy.”

“The New Year is called Rosh Hashanah, and it will be some time in September. Maybe real early October once in a while.”

“How will you know when it happens?”

“You’ll walk into the house and it’ll stink like kreplach.”

“Why don’t we just keep using Bob’s calendar?”

“Bob? Bob the Babylonian and his Base-6 bullshit? No thank you.”

“But his scheme works! 365 days plus a leap day every four years. No muss, no fuss.”

“Shlomo. Mishpochah. Is that how the Jews do things?”

“Can’t argue with that.”