Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Things Trump Can Still Do With His Phone

  • Family group chat. (Two texts marked 9/26/12: “Love you, dad” from Junior. One minute later, Trump responds “I love you, too, Ivanka.” There are no further entries in the chat.)
  • MoviePass.
  • Scroll through his photos. (1,224 shots of him giving the thumbs up with various fuckwits.)
  • That one app no one can identify that won’t open and blinks green every time he enters the Oval Office.
  • Throw it at Junior.
  • Breitbart.
  • Only Fans.
  • That emergency alert thing he made the phone companies give him. (NO ONE REMIND HIM HE HAS THIS.)
  • Stick it up his jive ass.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    Get scolded by Mrs. McCartney for tying up the partyline (EVEN THOUGH PHONES DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE) and on account of Mrs. McCartney wanting to get up to speed with Mrs. Rouleau on her husband Earl’s goitre

  2. JES


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