Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Police Academy Film Series After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles

  • No one asked for this.
  • Literally no one.
  • I put it out there, and no one bit.
  • Nor did anyone warn me away from the decision.
  • There was an unspoken communal decision to ignore my idea, and pretend that it hadn’t been brought up at all.
  • But here we are.
  • FUN FACT: Most films set up their premise through action, or dialogue, or a combination of the two; Police Academy just flashes some text at the beginning of the movie.
  • Kinda like Star Wars.
  • The standards for joining the police force have been eliminated, and so now literally anyone can sign up.
  • Got it?
  • They’ll even take Mahoney!
  • Who is a ne’er-do-well if I’ve ever seen one.
  • Or a fat guy!
  • Or someone who makes noises!
  • Of course, Mahoney does not want to be a cop.
  • He is forced to join up by an angry black police captain.
  • Even comedies in the 80’s had an angry black police captain.
  • I once watched a documentary from 1986 about giraffes that had an angry black police captain.
  • “OFFICER SPLOTCHY! YOU’RE OFF THE CASE! NOW TURN OVER YOUR BADGE, YOUR GUN, AND YOUR LITTLE NUBBIN HORNS!”
  • John Mayer thinks he knows how to drip.
  • Meyers doesn’t have the balls.
  • He thought that Madonna tee-shirt shit was cute, but we all know that it was pussy bullshit.
  • If he were a real man, then Josh would wear that for Summer Tour.
  • Every show.
  • And he’d also bang Kim Catrall.
  • Takes a real man to satisfy a Catrall.
  • The whole family is renowned for the effort it takes to get ’em off.
  • Gotta warm ’em up first.
  • Sweet-talking, flowers, that sort of thing.
  • Can’t just go charging at a Catrall’s genitals like you were the Light Brigade.
  • Did it end well for the Light Brigade?
  • Not according to the Iron Maiden song about the event.
  • And here is where we come to the most tedious portion of the evening: evaluating a three-decade-old piece of schlock on its relative wokeness.
  • Police Academy doesn’t do too badly, to be honest.
  • The good guys are a diverse crew of multiple races, genders, (implied) sexualities, and body types.
  • And the bad guys are all Trumpers.
  • Now, sure, this was 1984 and there were no Trumpers, but trust me on this one.
  • Of course–sticking to the modern discourse of wokeitude–it must be mentioned that all cops are bastards.
  • No one’s rooting for anyone to be a cop, at least not in a comedy, in 2020.
  • But again: this was 1984.
  • Were cops bastards?
  • Oh, yeah.
  • But they looked like this:
  • Whereas now cops look like this:
  • Which is less humorous.
  • (Don’t get me wrong: that guy in the shirt-sleeves would absolutely drop a bomb on your house. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of the MOVE bombing.)
  • Police Academy does also bring up the immortal comedy question: Are gay panic jokes ever funny?
  • I say that they can be, but only if they’ve got a musical cue as perfect as this one:

  • And, it should be noted, the two seemed to enjoy their experience.
  • Maybe Police Academy is about acceptance.
  • Maybe the reboot could feature the Lone Ranger shoving a peach up Timothee Chalomet’s asshole.
  • Maybe maybe maybe.
  • Saddest word in the English language, according to some.
  • Others think the saddest word is penicillin.
  • Mostly people who allergic to penicillin.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, Elton John did not think that “sorry” was the saddest word.
  • He said it seemed to be the saddest word.
  • Elton was making a comment on the chasm between appearance and content.
  • The first one was a hit, making $150 million worldwide off a $4.5 million budget, so they made one a year for the next five years.
  • ONE-POINT-TWO BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.
  • Adjusted (very roughly) for inflation, the Police Academy series made $1.2 billion dollars.
  • Imagine having that much money.
  • Jeff Bezos would laugh at you, and have his goons give you a wedgie, and you’d deserve it for being poor.
  • Oh, is it the third act already?
  • The City (never named in the series) has broken out into a riot.
  • Not an actual riot.
  • A fun, multi-cultural riot that kicks off due to a misunderstanding.
  • Gosh, I hope our trainees can settle this rabble down.
  • They are roused, this rabble.
  • Although, rabble is rarely calm, cool, and collected.
  • That’s just a peaceful gathering.
  • Gotta be some agitating for the “rabble” label to be applied.
  • Luckily, the mob is doing very little property damage.
  • Just running down the street with sticks.
  • Almost like the production couldn’t afford to break any windows.
  • No.
  • Wait.
  • We have looting.
  • Aaaaaand the climax of every Police Academy film, wherein all the characters do their thing.
  • Gun nut Tackleberry shoots his guns,
  • Whisper-voiced Hooks yells real loud.
  • Bubba Smith punches through a wall or some bullshit.
  • Enthusiasts, I am gonna come clean with you: there is not enough material in these movies to continue this bit.
  • I suppose that I could go tangential, and use the Police Academy series as a jumping-off point to discuss Gramsci.
  • But no one would enjoy that.
  • I’ve let everyone down here.
  • I can’t apologize enough.
  • Perhaps it’s time for an organizational reshuffle.
  • New blood in the C-suite.
  • Oh, good, Mahoney got to bang Kim Catrall.
  • That’s how you knew a movie was over in the 80’s: the lead actor banged Kim Catrall.
  • It was a simpler time.

1 Comment

  1. JES

    I would read the Gramsci bit. Totally.

    Just saying.

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