“New officers, let me be the first to congratulate you on graduating from the Police Academy For Teevee Cops. You’ve made everyone so proud, especially your dead family member whose tragic and unsolved murder led you to join the force, and whose story you will tell in a dramatic monologue sometime around Awards Season.
“I’ve just got some logistical stuff to go over before I let you go, mostly about assignments. You all need to know which of the city’s enormous, well-lit, and architecturally-fascinating police stations to go to in the morning. There are some new stations, actually. We have one in a semi-converted aquarium. Incredible production value in that place, but there’s no place to hold the prisoners. We tried keeping ’em in the penguin enclosure, but the ACLU started screaming. There’s also a station in a haunted church that was improperly deconsecrated. Lot of adventures gonna go on there. Tough to get your paperwork done, but there’s just so many narrative possibilities.
“Most important thing to do today is find the right nemesis for you. Really take your time choosing, because you could see these folks once or twice a season for the next decade. We’ve got a whole panoply of villains to pick, so make sure there’s a good connection. We got all types: Super-genius plotters; personal obsessives; crazy fuckers; you name ’em, we got ’em. And remember that it’s always an option to link up your nemesis to your dead family member whose tragic and unsolved murder led you to join the force. That’s being a Teevee Cop 101 right there, folks.
“We’ll also be issuing you families today, unless you’re on a Law & Order franchise, in which case you will receive no personal life whatsoever except what you mention in passing over terrible coffee while discussing the latest case. Please, pease, please: Do not get attached to your families. If the ratings decline, they WILL BE killed off. Or written off. Same difference in the end, really.
“Last thing: When you choose a Medical Examiner, please remember to specify what type of sandwich they’ll be eating while they dissect a corpse and update you on your latest case. A lot of folks forget to fill out that box, and then it’s just pandemonium.
“Good luck, everyone, and you might want to think about talking to each other to set up your crossover episodes. Stay safe out there.”