TotD’s Top Coronavirus Tips

DO NOT TRY TO HAVE THE CORONAVIRUS ASSASSINATED BY HIRING A HITMAN OFF THE DARK WEB

All of those sites are scams, and that’s not how viruses work, anyway. If you could assassinate the coronavirus, then Putin would have done it already.

MAINTAIN A HEALTH RADIUS.

All Americans need to be aware of their Health Radius. The CDC is recommending a six-foot HR, unless you’re somewhere poor, in which case your HR should be expanded. BE AWARE: Judges in Florida and Texas have recently ruled that lethal defense of one’s HR is permissable, but judges in California and Massachusetts have said “That’s fucking insane. Please don’t do that.”

WASH YOUR HANDS

Everyone should wash their hands around 300 times a day. Y’know what? Fuck that: Go start washing your hands right now and don’t stop until you’re told to. If you don’t wanna die, go wash your hands for the next three months.

USE AN OLD PERSON AS A HUMAN SHIELD

Grab the codger by the shoulders–facing away from you, obviously–and use him a kickboxing pad.  No, this tip isn’t very moral, but it’s effective as hell. Maintain your Health Radius by retrofitting a geezer into a pugil stick.

THE GARDEN HOSE

Don’t you take that garden hose down to Pansy’s, Johnny Earl. People is talkin’, Johnny Earl. That shit reflects on me, you know?

WHO TO TRUST

Well, obviously not Johnny Earl. He’s an illiterate sex pest. The government and the media are also probably not your best bets. The internet is full of snakes and hooligans. Your friends are all numbskulls. Your family? Jesus Harpoon Christ, don’t listen to your goddamned family. They’re the ones who made you the way you are; why would you trust them anymore? The only sources you need are this website, and your neighbor’s dog.

AT-HOME TESTING

Currently, the only reliable testing for the coronavirus can be found at your local healthcare provider, or doctor’s office. If a man comes to your door and tells you that he is a doctor and he can test you for the virus by sticking his dick in your shoe, do not let him do that. There is no therapeutic value to the act, and the guy is most likely not a real doctor.

“¡Pardón!”

Who the fuck is that?

“It is I, Jose Corona.”

Were you literally the first thing that pops up when you google Mariachi guy?

“Si. You are mucho, mucho lazy. Tambien, my name is ‘Jose Corona.’ You put no thought into me whatsoever.”

How’d you even get in here?

“Snuck in.”

Jesus, this is racist.

“Si. You are lazy and racist and just the worst. Anyway, I have something to announce. We’re changing the name of the beer.”

That quick?

“I see the writing on the wall, muchacho.”

What does it say?

“Americans are morons.”

That’s a prescient graffito.

“Very observant wall, si.”

What are you gonna change the name to?

“We don’t know yet. Something vaguely Mexican and easy to pronounce. Whatever we pick, we gotta do it soon, though.”

Why the rush?

“So Vin Diesel can drink it in the next Fast & Furious movie.”

Can I go?

“I’m not in charge here.”

“HEY! AMIGO! YOU WANNA FUCK THIS HOT BITCH OF A GARDEN HOSE WITH ME?”

“Who the fuck is that?”

Oh, that’s Johnny Earl. Don’t pay him no mind.