What Are We Seizing Next, Comrade?

THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION

Well, yeah, duh. Of course we seize the fucking means of production. That’s the first chapter of the book.

GOLF COURSES

The People must seize control of the land golf courses now occupy, and then seize the golfers themselves, and shake them furiously until they realize the error of their ways. We’re gonna need some real strong comrades to properly shake the golfers, though: those fuckers can be built solid. The People will also seize the carts and have fun races and maybe do some doughnuts.

EVERY DAD’S BASEMENT

Man-caves, rumpus rooms, half-assed bars, and home gyms used solely for the purpose of masturbation will also be repatriated to the State to be used by the Ruling Committee to hang out and hide from their families.

YOUTUBE

Don’t ask me how; I’m not the tech guy. We’ll get ‘er done. Maybe there’s an app? Or we could do a hack. Get a kid to do a hack. I’ve seen it on N.C.I.S. Not that tough. Clicketyclicketyclick I’m in! Easy peasy. Obviously once we’ve seized YouTube, we would execute the counter-revolutionaries and degenerates. Not all the counter-revolutionaries, though. Some of them we don’t have to murder, as they can be re-educated. Degenerates all get executed. Once a degenerate, always a degenerate; you can’t unscrew that lightbulb. Also, someone remind the Ruling Committee to formally define the term “degenerate” between now and when we seize YouTube. Up ’til now, we’ve been working with a “Know one when we see one” system of classification, and that isn’t sustainable. We need a degeneracy rubric; maybe something like the Apgar Score.

CHEF BOYARDEE’S FACTORY

Spaghetti-O’s belong to the People. Marx proved this fact.

YOUR WIFE’S TITS

Your wife’s tits also belong to the People. Just be cool, comrade.

LAKE PLACID

The whole fuckin’ town, Johnny Earl? From the bobsled track to the high school to that ladies’ spa where they shave the Olympic rings into your bush? You couldn’t seize a salad, Johnny Earl. You don’t even understand that was a pun, cuz you got vomit in your skull. Who you takin’ with you? I know you’re takin’ the Gobbler Twins, cuz they’re already jerkin’ each other off in our bedroom. Why you bring those freaks here, Johnny Earl? They ain’t natural in their treatment of each other! An’ who the fuck is Pretty Albert Cookies and why is he demandin’ I grill him up a cheese? This is my home, Johnny Earl! Don’t go plannin’ no communist overthrow of no scenic Upstate New York town with your heathen buddies in my home!

This is generally where I come in.

Y’know what? Maybe we’ll seize you, too. Seize you and redistribute you.

Explain how that would work.

No.

Write something good or don’t bother people.

No.