Donald Trump, who is a thudding dunce, promised us he would run the government like a business, and he has kept his word. The problem is that he’s running the government like one of his businesses, and so now it will shut down. For the third time in a year. While the Executive and Legislative branches are controlled by the same party. The movie line you’re thinking of now is “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.”
So, just to refresh your memories, TotD now presents Rules for the Government Shutdown:
PURGE RULES ARE IN EFFECT As always: once the Federal government closes, shit’s legal. Go hammer a snorkel through a Boy Scout’s sinus and suck out his helpful and true brains. Take down some Confederate statues or, conversely, make some Confederate statues real proud of you. Wire, fraudulently. Just get free and loose with it.
THE EXHUMATION CLAUSE Weird little rule in the Constitution: if the government shuts down within 60 days of a former President’s interment, we gotta dig the fucker up. It would take an Amendment to override, apparently. There’s gonna be a few more funerals, I guess.
ALASKA IS CLOSED Moose out front should have told you. Our northernmost state, being a creation and a dependent of Washington and her deep pockets filled with our money, will be shuttered for the shutdown, and its inhabitants left to freeze, starve to death, succumb to scurvy, or drunkenly murder one another.
CANCELLED: Taco Tuesday, Hump Day, Threesome Thursday, Burger And Friday, Crystal Meth Saturday, Sundays With Corny Collins, Manic Monday, Christmas.
DOUBLES LANE IS IN If you’re playing singles tennis, then–during a government shutdown–the court is expanded outwards laterally to the doubles line. Again: weird little rule in the Constitution, and you’re thinking that’s not right, but you’ve never actually read the Constitution, have you? You got the gist, sure, but you’ve not sat down in a quiet and well-lit room and digested the work word-by-word, have you? So maybe I’m right about the tennis thing, and you shouldn’t question me so much, you semi-educated pube.
Stop calling the Enthusiasts names and impugning their knowledge of civics.
I won’t!
Then stop writing.
I can’t!
But you’re out of jokes for this post.
I am!
i have read the constitution, but only because i was forced, in law school. but you know who has never read even one word of the constitution? i know you do.
i have read the easy parts (bill of rights) numerous times. especially that pesky and often misinterpreted 2d amendment. but do you know….never mind.
wait, are we draggin’ for Pinks?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2P5RCurT8Yw
Isn’t that sort of status quo for Alaska?