Who Should The Police Be Allowed To Murder?

Of late, our nation has embarked on a great discussion about race, kicked off by the killing of George Floyd. The crime–and the recording thereof–sparked protests that may very well lead to systemic change, and one of the reforms that a majority of the country wishes to see is over the question of “When is a police officer permitted to take a life?” As always, public opinion is spread along a spectrum: the furthest-out positions are taken by socialists, antifa, and all the newly-empowered warlords of Seattle’s Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, who believe that No one should be murdered by the cops, ever; and the cops, whose argument is We’d prefer to keep murdering people without consequences, forever.

To settle the debate, TotD now lays down the law. These are the categories of human that cops are allowed to shoot in the face, and maybe even get a commendation in their personnel folder for doing so:

ACTIVE SNIPER It is immoral NOT to take the shot on an active sniper. Can’t have a guy on the roof of the chemistry building firing into the Quad, not in a functioning society. Completely unacceptable. You are absolutely allowed to put the largest bullet available to you into the frontal lobe of someone in a belltower with an Enfield.

RAMBUNCTIOUS WEREWOLFS I know a werewolf who, when the full moon transforms him into a hellish creature of sin and fur, hangs out on the couch with his wife and watches the Late Movie. Police cannot murder that werewolf. But the one who comes into town and tears the food court a new asshole? Gotta put that doggy down. Although, obviously, you’re gonna need silver bullets. Plus, he’s gonna turn back into a human as he dies, so you really should hope that someone filmed the event, cuz otherwise you’re just standing over a naked guy riddled with bullets that you brought from home, and that’s gonna generate an unbelievable amount of paperwork.

REINCARNATED HITLER Tell me that cops can’t blow Reincarnated Hitler away, I dare you. I DARE YOU to say that to me. I refer back to the active sniper situation: It is one’s moral duty to murder Reincarnated Hitler on sight. He will cause trouble! That is what he does!

SIN EATERS The cheese is greed. On the nipples; the cheese goes on the nipples. These are the lessons we have learned, learned from the wise. Put the roast beef on his dick; I will eat the roast beef off his dick; the roast beef is wrath, transubstantially; o, such lessons from the wise. Where are the crackers? Theomasticulation branfitty branfitty, wine? Shlorp! Thulp! Tumor loeave, and toother thwillows and then BANG two in the head and his blood’s all over your Ivy League suit. The Sin Eater must not reach the border; give his picture to the cossacks.

SPAGHETTTI & MEATBALLS If spaghetti & meatballs comes to life, then cops can shoot ’em. I’m good with that. No one needs sentient Italian cuisine roaming around; it would freak people out, and the economy’s shaky enough as it is.

This is where I stop you, generally.

For good reason. The post has become gibberish.

Become?

It was vaguely comprehensible at first.

For a very vague definition of “vaguely.”

Oh, sure.