• Dan Coats.
  • Kellyanne Conway.
  • Melania. (“I didn’t write it. Did u?”)
  • Mike Pompeo.
  • Ben Carson. (“Uh, hi, Times? This is Dr. Ben Carson, Secretary of Homes and Better Gardens. Ummm…it’s just weird that no one’s called from your office to ask for my denial. Which, of course, I do. I deny it. I didn’t write the whatever-it-was. And, uhhhh, I heard you called the other cabinet members. But no one called me, so I was just checking in. Okay. Call me back. Are you getting these messages? Maybe I should try texting.”
  • Betsy Devos.
  • Raj Shah.
  • All the surviving members of KISS, who don’t know how they got roped into this.
  • Steve Bannon. (Actually, he claimed authorship but no one believed him.)
  • Omarosa. (Same as Bannon, but louder and also threw a drink in someone’s face.)
  • Hope Hicks.
  • Steve Mnuchin.
  • The Ghost of President Lincoln.
  • Mike Pence, but he was giggling.