Is Billy around?
“Hey, lemme introduce you to my friend–”
Your friends are all pill-poppers and hair-hoppers, Little Potato.
“Oh, is that nickname back?”
Never left. Did you both drink too many Dr. Peppers and now you have to pee?
“We’re just posing for a picture.”
Is someone using an X-ray machine in the next room?
“You’re hung up on–”
Is Toothy Thibodaux, the world’s most insistent terrible fellatrix present?
“You made her up.”
She’s as real as our friendship, buddy.
“You’re a toxic dolt.”
Do you, like, want Kim Jong-Un to call?
“You wouldn’t do that. You have a bunch more pictures of the pop-up store and you know you’d rather make fun of my clothes than have him call.”
…
Dammit, you’re good.
“I can read people. It’s one of those things I just picked up along the highway of stardom.”
Don’t push it. Explain what’s happening here:
“I am being what the kids call ‘loved up on’ by a nebbish of some sort.”
Got a bit of a thousand-yard stare going on.
“It’s how you have to treat randos. They’ll follow you home.”
Randos have followed you home? What did you do?
“I fucked the hot ones. Won’t lie.”
Sure.
“The others I called the cops on. I’m like a white lady when it comes to calling the cops, man. I ask no questions, just dial.”
How manly of you.
“You say that, but y’know what I think is manly? Having the self-confidence to delegate.”
Walk me through what’s happening here:
“This is an important piece by Stone Island, which is doing some incredible work these days in non-traditional materials. For example, do you know why this bag is glowing?”
Reflective tape?
“Yes! Isn’t that wild?”
Eh.
“When I saw it, I had to have several bottles of water brought to me. You’ll never guess what the labels on the water bottles were made from.”
Reflective tape.
“Can you believe it!?”
Nope.
“That’s commitment to an aesthetic.”
It’s something. Make up a story about this rando:
“Early math prodigy, but gave it up to ride every log flume in the world.”
They’re all pretty much the same. Bunch of splashes, then a drop.
“All Grateful Dead shows are pretty much the same.”
But you don’t want to be splashed on.
“You get my point. Obsession isn’t about the objects, it’s about the subject.”
Let’s move on. Is this Bebe Rexha?
“I don’t believe so.”
Would you know Bebe Rexha by sight?
“I would not.”
So it might be Bebe Rexha.
“It might.”
Glad we’ve settled that.
Josh is cute! Ditto the bearded lady.