- If it were truly illegal to take white women across state lines for immoral purposes, and not just an excuse to lock up uppity negros, then the Grateful Dead would still be in jail.
- Jack Johnson would have some interesting things to say about Trump.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Month: May 2018 (Page 3 of 10)
Though you may wear a vest…
“All right, all right, let’s come to order. I hope everyone got enough matcha and gluten-free bagels. Nancy Pelosi had them flown in special from San Francisco. Everyone thank Nancy.”
“Moisturize me.”
“Later, later. First off, let’s have a moment of silence for Phillip Roth. The nation mourns, except for the dummies in the middle. Oh, Phil! No one has cataloged the travails of the Baby Boomer Jew like you. Hey, maybe that should be our message for the Midterms?”
“Chuck?”
“I’m speaking, Dianne Feinstein.”
“I know, but I think maybe our message for the Midterms should be about women. There’s a young popular group out there now, and they have a saying. ‘Girl Power.’ Perhaps we could use that?”
“Maybe. Maybe. But is ‘Girl Power’ inclusive enough? I feel like it’s not doing enough to capture the white male demographic that hasn’t voted for us since Reagan but we keep chasing.”
“Hm. True.”
“Okay, back to the meeting. As always, we start with the same question: has anyone developed charisma since the last time we met?”
“Chuck, I have been told I’m very charismatic.”
“Kamala, you’re a different type of charisma than what we’re looking for. We need an Asgard kind of charisma. You’re more Wakanda.”
“Wow.”
“Any thoughts on my idea abut changing your name to Kim?”
“I’m against it.”
“Okay. Anyone else? Anyone suddenly grow a personality?”
DULL SILENCE NOISE
“Didn’t think so, but I had to ask. Okay, nu, what should we do about this Trump? He’s a gonif! We know this, but how do we get it through to the yokels? Joe Manchin?”
“I was thinking long and hard about this, Chuck. How about we do everything President Trump says, and also make abortion illegal?”
“Why do we let you sit with us?”
MAN ENTERING ROOM NOISE
“Sorry I’m late, everyone. I was on a hot date with my girlfriend.”
“Just stop it, Senator Booker.”
“She has big breasts that I like to touch with my hands and face.”
“You’re just embarrassing yourself, Cory.”
“I’m such a fan of her vagina.”
“Okay, sure. Whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, what are we going to do? The polls show our lead in the generic match-up dropping and it’s because we don’t have a message. What is our message?”
ROOMFUL OF HANDS GOING UP NOISE
“Besides ‘Trump is bad.'”
ROOMFUL OF HANDS GOING DOWN NOISE
“What are we for?”
“Senator Schumer, I demand the right to speak on behalf of the young people!”
“Bernie, what are you doing here? You’re not a Democrat.”
“No, but I am going to eat your bagels, fuck up your meeting, and then leave more popular than I was when I came in.”
“Sounds right.”
“I have one word for everyone.”
“What?”
“Collectivization of the farms.”
“That’s four words.”
“Not in the original Russian.”
“Get out! Out!”
“This meeting is rigged against me.”
“It’s our meeting! We make the rules!”
“First up against the wall, comrade.”
“What?”
“Nothing, nothing.”
“Chuck?”
“Yes, Tim Kaine?”
“Oh, thank you for remembering my name.”
“Jesus, just get on with it.”
“Literally everyone has forgotten I existed. My Wikipedia page is a stub.”
“Did you have any suggestions?”
“Yes. I brought my harmonica.”
“No. No more harmonica.”
“Senator Schumer, I rise to speak. As the first African-American woman to run for president, I have a unique perspective on the current situation that no one else in this room does.”
“And you’ve been dead since 2005, Shirley Chisholm. Get out of here.”
“This is racism.”
“It’s not racist because you’re a ghost.”
“That’s not a rule!”
“Senator Schumer, I would like to, uhhhh, make a statement now. If I may.”
GLORIOUS FANFARE NOISE
“Oh, God, President Obama! Thank you! Are you here to help us?”
“No. I’m, uhhhhh, a Hollywood big shot now. Big deal with Netflix. I’m here to laugh at all of you and, uhhhh, remind you that without me, you’re nothing.”
“That is so petty.”
“And grab a couple bagels.”
“Help yourself.”
What’s so special about 2/17/82 from the Warfield Theater in San Francisco?
Oh, it’s a magical show. People don’t know this, but 2/17/82 from the Warfield is actually 5/8/77 from Cornell. Many books have been written about this show.
That doesn’t make any sense.
Rock and roll, huh?
No, I mean it’s not true.
It’s not. I made it up to entertain myself.
Well, can you tell the Enthusiasts why you’re recommending the show?
Great Minglewood. Big, big, big Sugaree. A rare and fun On The Road Again. And more.
You’re only at the third song, aren’t you?
Yes. I can only imagine the rest of the show goes wonderfully, though. You know: for 1982.
Is there anything unusual or notable about the show?
Warfield, bro.
Right. Where the Dead played their West Coast residency in 1980. Is this perhaps the first time they returned?
Nah. Played there in ’81.
Is it the last time they played the venue?
Nope. Hit it in ’83, too.
You just picked this show at random, didn’t you?
Yes, I did.
You’re a tremendous disappointment.
I’M TREMENDOUS.
Asshole.
WAIT.
What?
The Bird Song is tasty.
Is the Bird Song the song right after On The Road Again?
Yup.
Asshole.
You’re just gonna take that?
“Take what?”
The kid’s dominating you.
“He’s not.”
He’s looming over you like Batman standing over a piss trough.
“Weird analogy.”
You’re the piss trough.
“I got it, but it’s still unpleasant.”
Why are you seated?
“Want to.”
Uh-huh. Trick knee acting up?
“I don’t have a trick knee.”
It gets all achy when it rains. It’s okay, Josh.
“Don’t call me that.”
Sir?
“DON’T CALL ME…I see what you’re doing, and it’s not right. I’m not old.”
41 in a few months. How’s your bird?
“My what?”
Your tool. Your schvantz. Your pecker.
“It’s fine. He’s great.”
Can you still hang a towel off your boner?
“I haven’t tried in a while.”
DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, FUCKER.
“It stays on if I keep my butt clenched up.”
Yeah, see, that’s the first sign. Bird loses its feathers.
“Dude, don’t worry about me. I’m still young, I’m still hot, I’m still banging pop stars.”
Who now?
“Camilla Cabello. Very sexy.”
How old is she?
“She’s very mature.”
Uh-huh. Lemme ask you something.
“Shoot.”
Does she remember Aretha Franklin?
“I’m sure she’s aware of Aretha.”
Can you dance together?
“I see what you’re doing.”
Can you talk at all?
“Stop it.”
Dude, you’re literally a Steely Dan song. I don’t know any surer sign that a white man is getting older than becoming a Steely Dan lyric. Maybe becoming a Paul Simon lyric.
“None of what you’re saying is true. I’m content with my age, and I am as young as ever. I appeal to the youth market.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“What!? What did I say?”
Nothing. I just wanna wrap this up.
“Asshole.”
…
“The very young John Mayer.”
“One month, Hot Dog Dick!”
“Goddammit.”
“Whole world come to Only Korea. Watch Kim Jong-Un dunk balls in Kim Jong Don’s ass-mouth.”
“I don’t think the meeting’s gonna happen. Wait. ‘Kim Jong-Don?'”
“Is new rule. Everyone named Kim Jong now. You should be Kim Jong-Little Potato, but I let you slide because we bros.”
“Thank you.”
“Call you Hot Dog Dick”
“Y’know, maybe I’ll start making up nicknames for you.”
“Huh. Okay. And maybe someone throw radioactive acid in your face next time you in airport.”
“Kim Jong-Un it is.”
“You like hat?”
“Eh.”
“Is no fedora. Is trilby.”
“I know.”
“People get wrong. Look sexy with hat. Chicks dig. You come to summit in June. We do like you and Chapelle.”
“What?”
“During meeting. You bring guitar. Jam while talk. Respond to conversation with musical emphases.”
“No.”
“Father invent Dave Chapelle.”
“He didn’t. I have to go.”
“Hot Dog Dick, why you no tell me you have twink?”
“He’s not my twink. He’s my friend.”
“You should fuck. Kim Jong Un not gay, but Kim Jong Un would destroy.”
“I’m hanging up.”
“He no walk right after me.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
“I officially want out of this website.”
Fuck, no. Summer tour’s coming up. If anything, your part will be expanding.”
“Goddammit.”
Hey, Garcia. Whatcha doing?
“Getting married, man.”
You love doing that.
“It’s the cake.”
You can just buy cake.
“Doesn’t taste the same, y’know? Wedding cake is, like, earned cake. Whole different vibe to it.”
What was this one’s name?
“Phyllis Hungamunga.”
I don’t think so.
“The Outrageous Gladys.”
Jesus, it’s like talking to Bobby.
“Hey, man, take that back.”
Sorry. Between you and me?
“Hit me.”
She is so far out of your league.
“Good thing I learned to play guitar, huh?”
Damn straight.
What band (or solo act or whatever) is both as overrated and underrated as Led Zeppelin?
This was 9/15/76, and the Duchess was a real boat, not some poorly-named North Shore bar. The New York branch of the Hells Angels–friends of the Dead since the ’72 Academy of Music benefit–threw a party in a location they knew could not be raided by the cops. It wasn’t a dinghy, either. Check this fucker out:
Did you check that fucker out? (The Duchess used to be called the Bay Belle. Ships can change names. For example, in the 60’s the SS Lew Alcindor changed its name to the SS Mohammad Ali.) A boat’s officially big when it’s required to have other, smaller boats hanging off the sides. (One day, Carnival Cruises will build a ship so large that its lifeboats are so big that they themselves need lifeboats.) They didn’t go much of anywhere–just circled Manhattan a couple times–but Jerry Band played, so it was probably worth putting on your floaties. (This was the version of Jerry Band with John Kahn in it, just in case you’re a stats nerd.) But why listen to me? Read about the show from someone who was there.
Or just watch it.
Whatever floats your boat.
- Inflation.
- The guys over at Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern dared them.
- Too many drugs.
- Not enough drugs.
- Time Sheath-related shenanigans.
- Forgot the ending.
- Billy was especially dick-punchy that night, so to protect their dicks, the Boys just kept on jamming.
- Because a 50-minute Playing would be overkill.
- Bomb attached to stage set to go off if they jammed below 55 mph.
- Keith had to go to the bathroom and everyone else was being an asshole.
- They ordered the Peking Duck, and everyone knows it takes at least 45 minutes for the Peking Duck, which is why you should call ahead, but the Dead did not call ahead and now they are killing time waiting for their Peking Duck by doodling around for almost an hour.
- There were just too many notes in the guitars that night, I guess.
- The Man said not to, and the Dead was like, “Fuck The Man,” so they did.
- Nothing good on teevee.
“Hey, Ass! Where’s Fucky?”
Fucky?
“Ding Dong Doodle.”
Who?
“Mister Clothes.”
Oh, Josh. I have no idea. Has he still not shown up for rehearsal?
“Nah, and my accountant’s getting worried.”
Not you, though?
“Nah, fuck him. But he’s gotta be here for us to get paid. It’s in the contract.”
You read the contract?
“I shoved it in a chick that works at a Dollar Store. Same thing, legally.”
I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t refute that.
“Seriously, where is the kid? At least when we used to go missing, we had good reasons.”
Such as?
“Rehab. Jail. Had a fight with the keyboardist and got on a plane 15 minutes before the show started.”
Right.
“What’s he doing?”
Twinks, I think.
“Twinks? Is that like Fortnite?”
No. They’re kinda like skank. But with dicks.
“Hey, some skank has dicks. They should tell you upfront, but they don’t. Some guys freak out, but not me.”
Because you’re open-minded?
“Shit, no. Because I flip ’em over and do my work in the backyard.”
Always a pleasure, Billy.
“I’M DRUMMING!”
You, too, Mick.
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