Fuck Off With…

…detailed longreads about white people dying on mountains.

Fall off a mountain? Your fault and I do not care. Don’t need the backstory, or lovingly-crafted descriptions of what boulders look like in the Colorado sun. Wanna read an interesting story about mountainclimbers? Here. Why is it interesting? Because it’s about Sherpas (nearly) caving in Europeans’ skulls and Nick Paumgarten wrote it. Every other piece about mountaineering can be summed up in one sentence: “When human beings no longer need to worry about food and shelter, the boredom drives them bananas and they start doing stupid shit like climbing Everest and writing novels; sometimes, it ends badly.”

…ex post facto revelations of fictional characters’ sexuality.

Lando’s gay? Great. Know how that could have been conveyed? With a scene where he’s balls-deep in Han. Maybe holding onto his vest for leverage. Know how it shouldn’t? The screenwriter tweeting it out after the movie’s been filmed. Looking at you, JK Rowling.

…your slackdaisy work ethic, my icemaker. 

You give me the amount of ice I need, you son of a bitch, or I’ll jam a screwdriver in your ear. And not all clumped up, either. Get your shit together, my icemaker.

…fear of Mike Pence.

“Oh, you want Mike Pence? Cuz that’s what happens if Turnip gets impeached.” Yes, you smooth-brained used diaper, I want Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when a glass of milk fucks nobody at all ever. He would enter office a fatally damaged charisma sink. He has no national political base besides the God Botherers, and they’re not enough to win an election for the Republicans. (You need the Suburban Assholes, too. People blame Trump on the rural and poor, but people are fucking stupid. Trump won because of the Suburban Asshole vote.)

…Spike Lee.

He was a dick to Brother on the Dead. May the Knicks remain owned by James Dolan forever.

…Avocados.

They’re not from here, and I don’t trust them. Avocados come to this country–completely unskilled, mostly having been on the farm their whole lives–and take jobs from domestic fruits or vegetables or gourds or whatever the fuck avocados are. I call for a complete shutdown, just until we figure out what’s going on.

…Capitalism.

It just doesn’t work. Not saying we go to socialism (and I am the furthest thing from a goddamned Commie) but maybe we should try something new. No one’s invented a new economic theory in forever it seems. Let’s get some bearded malcontents in the British Museum Library and figure out something novel. Ooh, maybe it could have blockchain in it?

…Royal Wedding haters.

I love watching fancy fuckers be all fucking fancy. Unlike the rich people in this country, the Royal Family isn’t actively working to end the world. (Any more.) Also: “Meghan Markle” sounds like a throwaway character from a Dr. Seuss story, and I enjoy that.