When he sings…
When I call your name,
I can’t sleep at night.
…that’s The Lord right there. That’s what The Lord sounds like.
Thoughts On The Dead
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Page 43 of 1031
The sniper in the brain, regurgitating drain
Incestuous and vain, and many other last names
I look at my watch it says 9:25 and I think “Oh God I’m still alive”
REASONS WHY WHITE PEOPLE RIOT
- Hockey team wins.
- Hockey team loses.
- Hockey team hockeys.
- Jai Courtney cancels a meet-and-greet.
- Can’t go the manicurist.
- Barnes & Noble runs out of Harry Potter books.
- Axl told ’em to.
- Bunch of disco records got ‘sploded and everybody got all riled up.
- That fucking szechuan sauce thing.
- Negro looked at a white girl the wrong way.
- Negro looked at a white girl any way.
REASONS WHY BLACK PEOPLE RIOT
- Giant, unlubed white cock up their ass for 400 years.
This is the record to listen to today. Trust me.
6/1 – Locusts.
6/2 – Cops start busting into your house, jamming Crazy Straws up your ass, and Stevie Nicksing pepper spray into your bottom.
6/3 – President Trump discovers a Green Lantern ring.
6/4 – Hey, who the fuck gave the coronavirus a machete?
6/5 – Rivers turn to blood, and not even clean blood: blood with herpes and all other kinds of nasty shit in it.
6/6 – No more marshmallows, ever.
6/7 – Paul Bunyan’s back, real, the size we were all told he was, and a card-carrying Proud Boy.
6/8 – All the corn says Fuck this, uproots itself, and flees to Canada.
6/9 – All the State Fairs become sentient and start battle-royaling.
6/3 – President Trump finally figures out how to work the Green Lantern ring and resets reality a week; White House issues statement declaring “He meant to do that.”
6/4 – Jesus, now the ronus has a scythe. That’s a bit on the nose.
I sense the enemy, they’re rustling around in the trees
I thought I had gotten away but they followed me to 02143
Woe, oh woe is me, no one knows the trouble I see
When they hang Jeff Davis from a sour-apple tree
I’ll sit beneath the leaves and weep
None of us shall be saved, every man will be a slave
For John Brown’s body lies a’mouldring in the grave and there’s rumblings down in the caves
So if it’s time for choosing sides, and to show this dirty city how we do the Jersey Slide
And if they deserve a better class of criminal, then I’m’a give it to them tonight
So we’ll rally around the flag, rally around the flag
Rally around the flag, boys, rally once again, shouting the Battle Cry of Freedom
Rally around the flag, rally around the flag
Glory, glory, Hallelujah, His truth is marching on.
Also, I like these versions of Candyman better than the Dead’s:
Jimmy Page on guitar!
SUE ME, FUCKERS.
- Baseball bat with nails sticking out of it.
- Straight razor wielded by a guy dancing back and forth while chuckling about what he was gonna do to you.
- Balloon animals filled with chlorine gas.
- Bloomsday device. (Like a doomsday device, but more literary.)
- Guns that shoot smaller guns.
- Bayonet that sneaks into your room while you sleep and plays with your feet.
- Turtle with razor blades taped to its shell.
- A literal, actual, honest-to-god beyblade.
- Bazookas that can only be fired through hate.
- Nude Bomb.
- Jewmarang, which is a boomerang that, when it returns, charges you interest.
No. No. Stop that. A: it doesn’t make any sense as a joke; and, B: it’s racist.
Jews aren’t a race.
I thought they were.
How are we defining “race” again?
Just knock it off. Isn’t it time for your nap?
Getting there!
*Twitter has determined that this tweet is verifiably false, and that the sentence structure is confusing.
*The US government has not bred “attack kangaroos” that “eat Mexicans.” That doesn’t even make sense.
*Twitter has no idea what “Mailboxes gonna getcha” means, and it doesn’t come up on Urban Dictionary or anything.
*We have not removed this tweet, as it is technically legal under American law to call Chuck Schumer a “peckerwood,” but it should be noted that the Senator from New York has denied the assertion.
*What? I don’t even…what?
*Twitter cannot determine what the fifth word in this tweet is, possibly due to it being misspelled or not existing at all. We have not repeated it in case it’s a racial slur.
*Your guess is as good as ours as to why the President of the United States tweeted out BULGARIA in all-caps at three in the morning.
*Twitter has removed the following tweet for violating our Terms of Service: SOMEONE SHOULD MURDER NANCY PELOSI AND I’LL PARDON THEM! Ah, shit, we shouldn’t have said what was in the tweet. We just did his work for him. He’s so cunning!
Waking and baking, Enthusiasts, is a grand American tradition. It must be American! No European could think of something so free! A German would rather cut off his own wienerschnitzel than get high before noon, and–if he did–it would be via one of those dastardly half-tobacco spliffs that foreigners enjoy so much. You should be executed on the spot for smoking that shit.
But when can we begin to indulge? And what does our chosen start-your-engine time say about us? Thank the Lord you have me, Enthusiasts, cuz I’m gonna lay some shit out for you.
PRE-DAWN This is wrong, unless you’re still up. If you’re still up from the night before, then you can absolutely burn a doobie while the sun comes up. Otherwise: forbidden. What are you, a farmer? Did you grow the pot you’re smoking? Or are you one of those finance assholes who trades on the Nisei Exchange and lives on Tokyo time? Do not smoke pot this early; it’s unseemly.
BREAKFAST TIME Good choice, Enthusiast! Breakfast is a superior time to begin indulging in the Green Funkiness. First of all: there’s a meal involved. Always good to have some food ready when you get zooted. Second: breakfast foods are well-suited to marijuana. Wake and bacon? Yum. Captain Crunch and cannabis? Delish. Roach from the ashtray and a slice of pizza you found on your couch? Feed me, Seymour!
ELEVENISH You sleeping in again, princess? Pretty princess having a lay-in? No one bother the princess while she’s getting her beauty sleep; heaven knows she needs it.
LUNCH TIME Same benefits as breakfast.
AFTERNOON Cliched.
POT SUCKS; I’M JUST GONNA DO COKE ALL DAY Good luck with that, Yayo. Excellent longterm strategy.
WHEN YOU GET YOUR SHIT DONE This is the right answer, if we’re honest. The right time to light up your first joint of the day is immediately after completing the last task on your punch list. This is what you should do. Of course, you should also be able to go outside, and Minneapolis should be less on fire, so why are we paying any attention to “should” right now? Go smoke some pot. All the cool kids are doing it, man.
© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
Recent Comments