Tag: donald trump (Page 6 of 32)

There’s no crisis at the Southern border: it’s thousands of miles of sun and dust and occasionally a straggle of the world’s poorest, most powerless human beings. Had they anything of value, they would be in a car or on a plane; they do not, and so they walk across a desert. Their best-case scenario upon reaching the United States is twelve hours a day doing fieldwork, or changing sheets and swopping shit at a Motel 8. Every-other-case scenario involves being raped and murdered.

The climate is a crisis, though. The North Pole is now full of cargo ships and Japanese bathing monkeys, and there is so little ice left that Margarita Monday has been permanently canceled. The storms are stormier, and the droughts are droughtier, and none of the seasons last the right number of weeks any more. The Great Barrier Reef is barely even good. Bees were. We are cooking ourselves in our own juices, Enthusiasts, and that seems like a crisis to me.

Poor fucks in Yemen got nothing to eat, and the poor fucks in Flint got nothing to drink. More slaves today than there were in the 1860’s, but there’s much less Amazon. Weird bastards in hidden labs are teasing apart genomes. The bridges are falling down, but the America’s Cup showed its best time ever; they’re making the sails from carbon fiber nowadays. One might discern a crisis in these facts.

Our rockets are owned by preening dildos, and our jails by oily goons, and our children are blubbery dunces, and there is rat shit in all the food but hopefully not above the acceptable limit. Have you noticed that we keep reminding one another not to suicide? Everyone’s so goddamned sad lately; that must be a crisis.

“We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas; but Maine and Texas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate.”  Thoreau wrote that while he was pretending to be Natty Bumppo in his boyfriend’s backyard. We put the whole world on that telegraph, all of society–the money and the governments and the entertainment and the sex–we translated our lives into a Binary, a language no one understands. Translation isn’t a copy; it’s a whole new ballgame. Grammar is all different, and then you got Quine’s rabbit problem. I’m sure this is no crisis, though, as Anderson Cooper does not seem concerned.

The airports will begin closing soon. The security personnel will not work for free for much longer, and neither will the air traffic controllers. The evictions will start three days after rent is due, because landlords are mostly scum, and those who depended on food stamps for dinner will have empty stomachs. Might not be a crisis to you, and certainly not to the President, but it is for the couple with the hungry kids.

And in the White House, stuffed behind a desk he is not worthy of, is the biggest crisis of them all.

• Who’s going to host the Oscars?
• Pizza being, like, 20 minutes late.
• Liza Minelli’s liver.
• Climate change.
• Your need to finally watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
• The possibility that we’re alone in the universe.
• The possibility that we’re not.
• The Long Island Islanders’ playoff chances.
• All the airports shutting down at the end of the week because Basketball Head has the foresight of a lobotomized squirrel.
• Spam calls. (Honestly, I would be all for declaring a National Emergency to wipe the spam callers off the planet. I would support military action. Drone strikes on office buildings in Bangalore would be fine by me; I don’t even care if there’s collateral damage. Kill all the women and children in the area if that’s what it takes.)
• The critical reevaluation of Sam Kinison.
• That thing where all the animals and insects are dying.
• How woke Aquaman is.
• Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes and her big socialist titties.

Donald Trump, who is a thudding dunce, promised us he would run the government like a business, and he has kept his word. The problem is that he’s running the government like one of his businesses, and so now it will shut down. For the third time in a year. While the Executive and Legislative branches are controlled by the same party. The movie line you’re thinking of now is “I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.”

So, just to refresh your memories, TotD now presents Rules for the Government Shutdown:

PURGE RULES ARE IN EFFECT As always: once the Federal government closes, shit’s legal. Go hammer a snorkel through a Boy Scout’s sinus and suck out his helpful and true brains. Take down some Confederate statues or, conversely, make some Confederate statues real proud of you. Wire, fraudulently. Just get free and loose with it.

THE EXHUMATION CLAUSE Weird little rule in the Constitution: if the government shuts down within 60 days of a former President’s interment, we gotta dig the fucker up. It would take an Amendment to override, apparently. There’s gonna be a few more funerals, I guess.

ALASKA IS CLOSED Moose out front should have told you. Our northernmost state, being a creation and a dependent of Washington and her deep pockets filled with our money, will be shuttered for the shutdown, and its inhabitants left to freeze, starve to death, succumb to scurvy, or drunkenly murder one another.

CANCELLED: Taco Tuesday, Hump Day, Threesome Thursday, Burger And Friday, Crystal Meth Saturday, Sundays With Corny Collins, Manic Monday, Christmas.

DOUBLES LANE IS IN If you’re playing singles tennis, then–during a government shutdown–the court is expanded outwards laterally to the doubles line. Again: weird little rule in the Constitution, and you’re thinking that’s not right, but you’ve never actually read the Constitution, have you? You got the gist, sure, but you’ve not sat down in a quiet and well-lit room and digested the work word-by-word, have you? So maybe I’m right about the tennis thing, and you shouldn’t question me so much, you semi-educated pube.

Stop calling the Enthusiasts names and impugning their knowledge of civics.

I won’t!

Then stop writing.

I can’t!

But you’re out of jokes for this post.

I am!

OVAL OFFICE – MORNING

“Mr. President, thanks for taking the time to speak with us. Let’s start with something in the news today. Three soldiers were killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. Why are we still in that country after 17 years, and what are our objectives there?”

“Terrible with the soldiers, terrible. They should have maybe seen it coming, but still very terrible. The side of the road is where they keep the bombs. Don’t go over there! Stay in the middle of the road! Very sad. Diet Coke?”

“No, thank you, sir.”

“We can do a regular, too. Regular Coke?”

“I’m fine.”

“I got the button right here. I hit the button, Diet Coke appears.”

“Sir, will you be visiting the troops any time soon?”

“It’s on the table, and it’s a thing I very much want to do. I’ve been telling everyone around here, ‘The troops need to see me,’ and everyone agrees, but the weather over there is a nightmare this time of year. Rainy season. They have a rainy season and a dry season. Very primitive over there. Can’t even figure out having four seasons. Backwards people! And, you know, ‘people’ might be pushing it. Not my type, let’s leave it at that. But the troops are great, great.”

“Was that a yes?”

“You have to understand how hard we’re working here to make America great again. The phone. Always on the phone, making calls, taking calls, phone never stops. Documents. So many documents, probably the most documents of any world leader. I have heard–and I hear this from experts–that Angela Merkel doesn’t even have any documents. And we monitor. Documents and monitoring, and also I did the turkey thing last week. Did you see that?”

“I was there, sir.”

“It got the best reviews. Huge. People were coming up to me all day and telling me what a way I had with the birds. Told a couple jokes, they went over very well. Melania, the most beautiful First Lady of all time, was very beautiful that day, and she’s done such a marvelous job with the White House with the trees and whatever. It’s really such a great success, and she was one of my best choices. I picked a great wife.”

“Uh-huh. Mr. President, Paul Manafort was charged by the special counsel’s office of–”

SEVERAL LAWYERS LEAPING ATOP A TAPE RECORDER NOISE

SEVERAL MINUTES OF MUFFLED SILENCE NOISE

“–off the record.”

“Yes, sir. Will there be a government shutdown in the upcoming weeks?”

“I could shut it down today! Bing bong bang, all quiet. I have a button for it.”

“Mr. President, I don’t believe you have a button that shuts down the government.”

“We were very close on the deal. DACA. The Democrats come in and you can almost trust them. Almost. So we’re this far apart on the deal and a judge comes in and says everything’s legal that shouldn’t be. Everything at all! The borders are open, no one has to show ID at supermarkets, total chaos. That’s what the Democrats want, but this judge–terrible, terrible judge–he says that DACA is fine even though Obama said it was illegal. He said that! When Obama signed DACA, he stood in the Rose Garden and said into the cameras, ‘I’m passing this illegal bill because I hate America,’ and now we have this crazy-person judge who says it’s all fine. Can you believe that? Maybe I raise tariffs on the judges.”

“I don’t think you can do that, sir.”

“Maybe we can. We’ll see. We’re gonna have an announcement about that coming up, big announcement.”

“So…will there are won’t there be a government shutdown, sir?”

“If I get my wall, then there won’t be any shutdown. We need the wall. Not want it, need it. All these fires in California, that’s what the wall is for.”

“How could a border wall have prevented forest fires, sir?

“Because they were all set by MS-13. They come here, and they sell drugs  and burn our forests. The wall stops that clean. I guarantee you–look you in the eye and guarantee you–that if we build my wall, then there’ll never be another wildfire. Guarantee it. You got these so-called scientists, mostly losers and hustlers, who say that it’s a ridiculous idea, but my gut has run the numbers. Wall? No fires. No wall? Fires. And you gotta rake.”

“You’re still on the raking thing?”

“Everyone does it! Finns rake constantly, can’t stop raking, unbelievable rakers. The children do it. Teachers lead them into the forests and the children rake. It’s like a treat for them. Here? No raking. And if there is raking, it’s not being done right. We ought to get the Navy to go in there, because the Navy mops. Ever see ’em mop, they go back and forth, the whole thing? They’re so powerful with the mopping that, you know, it’s just like raking. We’re gonna send in the Navy. General Kelly, we’re gonna send the Navy to rake the forests. General?”

“He left the room several minutes ago, sir.”

“General?”

“He’s not here, sir.”

“General?”

“Why are you looking under your day planner? He couldn’t possibly be under there.”

“General? Ah, well. He’ll be here. You staying for the Colonel?”

“Are you speaking about a man or fried chicken?”

“Chicken.”

“Ah. I don’t know, sir, if I can–”

“I guessed all 11 herbs and spices. First time I ever bit into a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I rattled them off. You got salt, pepper, the others. I rattled them right off! Must have been, what, five or six years old? Around there. One bite. People were amazed, just amazed, at how well I could taste herbs and spices. I don’t like the potato wedges, but you can get ’em. I always told the Colonel, ‘Colonel, the people want fries,’ but he thought french fries were for negros and donkeys. He told me that! ‘Gentlemen eat wedged potatoes, Mr. Trump.’ He always said that to me. I dunno. I dunno. I like a fry.”

“Can we continue with the interview? GM recently announced that it will be closing five plants and laying off up to 15% of their American workforce. What response do you have to that?”

“We’re going to go ahead and make General Motors illegal.”

“What?”

“When you look at what’s happening, with how great I’ve made the economy after Obama took a crap on the dollar, and you see these things coming from GM, it’s very unfair to me. This Mary Berra in charge over there, man. First off, she was a six in her prime. And that was a long time ago, her prime. This woman has no idea what she’s doing, and maybe it’s time for her to step aside. Maybe the Justice Department wants to look into–”

SEVERAL LAWYERS LEAPING ATOP A TAPE RECORDER NOISE

SEVERAL MINUTES OF MUFFLED SILENCE NOISE

“–can just say ‘Off the Record.’ You don’t have to leap on top of me.”

“How are you coming with your chicken decision? I’m sending the kid out now. I send him to the KFC in the black part of town. Chicken’s better over there. It has to be, or they’ll riot. Don’t miss with those people’s chicken.”

“I’m just going to go.”

“Stay, you can meet the President of Malaysia.”

“Good day, Mr. President.”

FRANCE – MORNING

“Get ’em together, c’mon. Let’s go. Gather. I’m gonna talk. Where’s Jim Acosta?”

“Here, sir?”

“Take his umbrella away.”

UMBRELLA-TAKING NOISE

“Really?”

“You do not deserve an umbrella. That was an Executive Order.”

“That’s not how those work.”

“I have come out here, very bravely, probably with greater bravery than any president we’ve had. Even the movie presidents. When Indiana Jones was on Air Force One? Very brave! But maybe not quite my level. Not quite. The Secret Service begged me. Begged! ‘Mr. President, please don’t be so bold. Let us keep you safe.’ They said that. But I’m a superhero in a lot of ways. A lot of ways.”

“Mr. President, why are you not going to the World War I memorial service today?”

“World War I was the one without the Nazis. Many people don’t know that. They figure ‘It’s a World War, gotta be Nazis,’ but that’s why they’re not president and I am. World War I was a great world war. Top three. But, as you can see, it’s raining. Area’s known for its rain, buckets of it. And so the helicopters can’t fly and the Secret Service said no. They were very strong in their denials, and that was impressive and it impressed me and so we won’t be going to the service or whatever.”

“How will you be spending the time, sir?”

“Memorials, you know, what are they for? You sit there. Poems and you pray and all of that. Let’s move forward. Forget about the past. And don’t forget that most of the soldiers who fought in World War I were foreign.”

“You were going to Belleau Wood, sir. It was an American battle.”

“Hit Jim Acosta with his own umbrella.”

UMBRELLA-HITTING NOISE

“Hey! Stop that!”

“This is what the Democrats want. This is what all Socialists want, and all Democrats are Socialists. Democrats, and everyone knows this, want to require you to cook and clean for Mexicans instead of the other way around, the right way. And this Me Too, Me Three, whatever it’s called, this is insanity. Insanity. Imagine being accused of something that happened in your past, lying women doing things like that. It’s not what those great men buried out there in the pouring rain died for. Great men, some of the best, maybe ever.”

“Mr. President, it’s not pouring.”

“It is. It’s actually raining a lot harder than it seems. This is sneaky rain. See, the drops are wetter than regular raindrops, so the overall water delivery is the same. It’s a wonderful thing. Sneaky rain. Rare, but that’s what this is. The helicopters can’t take it. Probably made in the district of Mia Love, a loser who lost her race because she was so nasty to me. Very ugly woman. Maybe a wig. A lot of them wear wigs.”

“Sir, Marine One is a modified Sikorsky VH-3D Sea King. It’s amphibious. It can take the rain.”

“American rain. Not French. Listen, the North of France in November in the rain? Not for me. South of France, much better. There are some lovely properties around here, but no one wants the hassle of dealing with the French. The accent makes you want to shoot yourself. And then you got the EU, which is a ripoff of the USA. Clearly. Clearly, they’re stealing our intellectual property. Whenever I finally meet my Attorney General, I’m going to instruct him to sue the EU. The military isn’t out of the question.”

“Mr President, are you threatening military action against Europe?”

“I hope not! I hope I don’t have to, but we’re looking at documents and there’s a lot of angles on things. On one side here, we got Poland, and then there’s Italy and Austria. Denmark. You know, you got Denmark. It’s complicated. A lot of people don’t understand it. Obama didn’t. Neither did his wife, who is a terrible person. And maybe a man. I don’t know. A lot of people say. You see her shoulders and you think, ‘Maybe. Could be.’ Definitely no supermodel like Melania. Probably a man. Michelle Obama is a man and I might have to go to war with Europe.”

“You talked yourself into that pretty quick.”

“Hit Jim Acosta with his umbrella some more.”

REPEATED UMBRELLA THRASHING NOISE

“Knock that off!”

“Someone else. Abby.”

“Is there a reason you couldn’t drive to the memorial? It’s only an hour away.”

“This is a terrible question, probably one of the worst I’ve ever been asked. You are CNN?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m pulling your license.”

“What?”

“Bing bang bing. Hand it over.”

“My driver’s license?”

“CNN, which I never watch, is full of some of the worst liars and fake news that anyone’s ever seen. Go all the way back, yellow journalism or Rome or World War I, and there’s never been such fake news. Bad for America. CNN is bad for America. Just be fair! Look at the black employment. You have a job, Abby! So there’s black unemployment. The market? The market is exploding. Investors call me up. ‘Thank you, Mr. President. You’ve given me my retirement. You’ve helped me with a kid that’s sick or whatever.’ Every day. And Sean Hannity calls, too, and he’s a bright guy. Was a construction worker, now he’s worth millions. Very smart. He can’t stop raving about what a job I’m doing, and that is such a nice compliment from him. But I don’t get that from CNN.”

“To re-ask a question of Jim’s: how will you be spending the time of the memorial today?”

“Very dumb. Abby, that’s just dumb. My location is a top government secret. Our enemies know where I am, they send over a missile, boom bam bop I’m toast. Not on my watch. Not on my watch. I can’t talk to you. Your news is too fake.”

“Sir!”

“Jim, I already talked to you.”

“You didn’t answer my questions.”

“Hit him again.”

UMBRELLA WHOMPING NOISE

“Cut it out!”

“God bless the troops, our troops, all right, that’s it.”