Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Visit To Hurricane-Ravaged North Carolina, 9/19/18

September 20, 2018 / / 1 Comment

“Where’s my General?”

“We’re starting with this shit already?”

“General Kelly? Where’s my General?”

“In front of you, Mr. President.”

“General?”

“I’m 18 inches to your 12 o’clock, sir. We are facing one another and making eye contact.”

…

“Where’s my General?”

“Jesus tapdancing Christ.”

“There you are. I was looking at all the devastation, which is so very devastated. This is probably–and you won’t hear this in the lying media–the most devastated an area has ever been, ever. And that’s exciting. Because now is building, and that’s where all the action is. These folks are gonna come out this ahead, maybe the best thing that could have happened to them. Much better than those Katrina people.”

“Sir, we should meet some residents.”

“George Bush knew about Katrina. He knew beforehand. Did nothing. One of the worst Presidents we’ve ever had. Wife killed somebody, too. Did you know that? True story, believe me. She said it was an accident, but many people have told me that it was a premeditated thing. Revenge. Whole family is no good. Daughters are pigs. Not a great family.”

“Sir, this is Burl Noggle. He owns the home behind me.”

“Hello, Mr. President. Thank you for coming down to visit with us. Your presence is a source of strength.”

“Everyone says that. Since I’m in kindergarten, and I did very, very well in kindergarten, probably the best kindergartener of all time. I knew my left from my right, I could take naps, snack time, everything. Great at it, and people always said, “Mr. Trump, you bring strength with you.” And that’s true, I do. I do. Is that your boat?”

“The one in my yard?”

“She’s a beauty. I once owned the largest yacht in the world. The Trump Princess. Smooth through the waves. Made such a profit when I sold it, huge profit, but I miss it. Girls really liked it. I mean, they liked me, but they also liked the yacht. Lots of fun onboard. Is that your boat?”

“No, sir. The 28-footer upside down and divotted into my front lawn is not my boat. I would expect that the storm set it here.”

“Well, it’s your boat now.”

“Is it?”

“Maritime law. That’s your boat now, congratulations. Mine was much, much bigger, but you have a boat now.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“That’s how people got boats in the old days. You waited for a storm and then you got a boat. Everyone was doing it.”

“What?”

“General, let’s see some more of devastation. I think there’s some over there.

A FUCKFACE AND A MAN PHONING IT IN WALKING ACROSS THE STREET NOISE

“This house doesn’t have a roof. Gotta have a roof. One of the most important parts of a building. Walls. Floor. Gotta have those, but you need a roof. Especially if you live somewhere there’s hurricanes. What kind of shithole is this where people don’t have roofs?”

“I think the storm pulled the roof off, sir.”

“Maybe. And the Democrats are gonna say I did that. No, I think this house hasn’t had a roof on it since Obama. He did so many things wrong, just the worst president, and maybe Obama-era roof-killing regulations did that.”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“I do. No roof. I’ve always had this opinion, all my life. Bring me a kid. Make sure the cameras are on and bring me a kid.”

KID-BRINGING NOISE

“Hello, Mr. President. My name is Tommy and when the storm came I was very scared.”

“Well, you know, don’t be such a little fag.”

“What?”

“No more kid. Take the kid away.”

KID-TAKING-AWAY NOISE

“General, that was a bad kid. Very weak kid.”

“Sorry, sir. We should have vetted the child more.”

“That guy gets a boat, and I get a weak kid. This is one of the greatest disasters that has ever happened, possibly ever.”

“Yes, sir. There’s an Arby’s three miles from here that’s open.”

“Let’s go view the devastation.”

“Yes, sir.”

Who’s Denied Writing The NYT Op-Ed?

September 7, 2018 / / 0 Comments
  • Dan Coats.
  • Kellyanne Conway.
  • Melania. (“I didn’t write it. Did u?”)
  • Mike Pompeo.
  • Ben Carson. (“Uh, hi, Times? This is Dr. Ben Carson, Secretary of Homes and Better Gardens. Ummm…it’s just weird that no one’s called from your office to ask for my denial. Which, of course, I do. I deny it. I didn’t write the whatever-it-was. And, uhhhh, I heard you called the other cabinet members. But no one called me, so I was just checking in. Okay. Call me back. Are you getting these messages? Maybe I should try texting.”
  • Betsy Devos.
  • Raj Shah.
  • All the surviving members of KISS, who don’t know how they got roped into this.
  • Steve Bannon. (Actually, he claimed authorship but no one believed him.)
  • Omarosa. (Same as Bannon, but louder and also threw a drink in someone’s face.)
  • Hope Hicks.
  • Steve Mnuchin.
  • The Ghost of President Lincoln.
  • Mike Pence, but he was giggling.

A Partial Transcript Of Bob Woodward’s Phone Conversation With Donald Trump

September 4, 2018 / / 3 Comments

OVAL OFFICE – AUGUST, 2018 – MORNING

“Kellyanne?”

“Here, sir.”

“Kellyanne? Where’s my Kellyanne?”

“Standing right next to you, Mr. President.”

“Kellyanne?”

“Why are you looking straight up? How could I be up…sir, I’m just going to lay my hand on your shoulder.”

“Oh, there you are. Kellyanne, we’re gonna call this Bob Woodward and I’m gonna be really, really, really tough on him. Sleazy guy, Bob Woodward, everyone says it. Was he the Jewish one?”

“No, that was Bernstein, sir.”

“The Jew rubs off on you! Look at Ivanka. She was normal! Couple years of Jarred and now she’s Jewish as hell. Maybe it happened to Woodward, we’ll never know. We could test him. Kellyanne, what’s the Jew test we use?”

RICTUS GRIN NOISE

“I have Bob Woodward on the phone for you, sir.”

“No one–and I mean no one–works those phones like the people I hire. Remember when I met you, Kellyanne? I had you show me you knew how to use the phone so well, and I was really, really impressed. Not one missed digit, not one. Obama’s people would misdial constantly. Constantly. Maybe that’s a thing with those people. I mean: they can’t swim, so who’s to say they understand phones?”

“He’s on the line, sir.”

“Woody!”

“Bob is fine, Mr. President.”

“Which one were you, The Sting or Michael Corleone?”

“Um. Are you referring to All The President’s Men, sir?”

“The documentary they made about the rats who brought down the great patriot Richard Nixon, who people were very unfair to.”

“Right, documentary. I guess I was The Sting. And the other guy was Dustin Hoffman. He didn’t play Michael Corleone.”

“Kay. Just this once. Just this once, Kay. Are you talking to me, Kay? I don’t see anyone else in here, so you must be talking to me, Kay.”

“You’re getting, like, nine movies all mixed together, sir. I’m going to turn on my tape recorder with your permission.”

“Tape recorder. I should call you Omarosa!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Because she was in here with the bugging and the taping, horrible stuff.”

“I understood the reference sir.”

“Real sleazy woman. Maybe that’s on me I thought she was a good one like Jim Brown. You ever meet Jim Brown? Such an impressive man. Mind’s always working, bing bang boom, and he always says to me, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for all the good you do for the blacks.’ Because the blacks won’t help themselves! I give them the lowest black unemployment in 43 years, and most of them are incredibly ungrateful. But Jim Brown gives me credit. Great man. He was a running back.”

“Mr. President, did you have a specific reason in placing this call to me?”

“I hear you have a new fake book coming out about me, and I’m amazed. I say to Kellyanne, ‘Why hasn’t Bob Woodward reached out to me?’ We had such a lovely talk in Trump Tower when you were going to write about me, and I thought we had that special something. I sensed loyalty, but now I hear about this fake book and I haven’t been called.”

“I actually spoke to Kellyanne several times and requested that she ask you about a meeting.”

“Never. I never heard that.”

“I did, sir.”

“Yeah, she said something to me. But did you speak to Sean Hannity?”

“No, sir.”

“That’s the best way to get me a message. How do you write a fake book without speaking to the subject? I’m very busy, probably the hardest-working president of all time, but I remember our lovely talk in Trump Tower and I think you had a Whopper. Were you the Whopper? Whopper is okay, but they used to do something called the Whopper Junior that was maybe the greatest sandwich out of all of them. Discontinued it! You had the Whopper, right?”

“Mr. President, I would have to look at my notes to agree or disagree with that statement.”

“We could have discussed so many wonderful things, but you didn’t get to me. I didn’t hear you wanted to see me!”

“Senator Graham told me to my face that he spoke with you about meeting me.”

“Sure, Lindsey said something, but who can get past that voice of his? You talk to everyone, Bob: he’s a fairy, right? Swishy boy?”

“I do not know anything about the Senator’s private life, sir.”

“I’m just going by the vibe, but I can spot those. When I did The Apprentice, which was so successful for NBC and now they’re so jealous of me that they lie about everything, there were gays everywhere. Makeup, wardrobe, all the things they do. And each one of them would tell me, ‘Mr. Trump, no one spots gays like you.’ Gaydar. They called it gaydar. I can walk down the street, bing ding dong, pick ’em right out of the crowd.”

“Sir.”

“Name names.”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“Who did you talk to in my office? You have to tell me who you talked to. It’s like when you ask a cop if he’s a cop. Rudy Giuliani says that’s not really the law, but he’s a goddamned idiot. Only person dumber that works for me is Sessions. I should make those two fight to see who keeps their job.”

“Yes, sir. I need you to know that I put forth maximum effort trying to get an interview with you. It’s not good, if I may say, for my business not to give you a chance to respond.”

“Well, no one ever told me anything. Lindsey said something, but nobody ever said anything. You should have talked to Kellyanne.”

“I did. Is she still there, sir?”

“Lemme check. Kellyanne? Kelly–”

SKINNY AMORAL WOMAN SNATCHING A TELEPHONE HANDSET FROM A FAT AMORAL MAN NOISE

“I’m here, Bob. Right here. How are you?”

“Wonderful.”

“Kellyanne, did you send my request for an interview to the president?”

“When did you make a–”

“We met at Occidental Grill & Seafood on January 7th, 2018. I arrived at 12:53, and you followed at 1:09. You had the Occidental Chopped Salad; I ordered the Jumbo Lump Crab Cake. We discussed, among other topics, my desire to interview the president about domestic and foreign policy. You told me that you would speak directly with the president about the matter. I recorded the conversation, and there are photos and receipts documenting the entire encounter.”

…

“You’re not dealing with Michael Wolff anymore, Kellyanne. I’m Bob fucking Woodward.”

“I’m putting the president back on the line.”

“Mm-hm.”

TINY FINGERS SCUTTLING OVER A TELEPHONE HANDSET NOISE

“Sean?”

“No, sir. It’s not Sean Hannity. It’s Bob Woodward.”

“It’s gonna be a fake book, Bob. We could have done something so beautiful together, but you never reached out to me and the fact is that everyone is recognizing what a great job I’m doing, probably the best ever, and over the years more people will come to see it. A lot of people feel that way, Bob.”

“Your time in office will be studied by scholars and students for a long time, sir.”

“What a lovely compliment, very kind and true. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Mm-hm.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

 

(You know I’m not making this shit up, right?)

The Daily Recounting 8/20/18

August 22, 2018 / / 5 Comments

We’re doing this again?

Yeah, but in the FAQ format. I feel it’s more conducive to information.

Not because it’s easier than writing paragraphs like a big boy?

No. Definitely not.

Gotcha.

Just read your part, please.

Lazy bastard. Ahem. What the fuck happened today?

Everyone’s going to jail.

Everyone?

No. Two guys.

That’s not even close  to “everyone.”

I’m not going to fight with you all night. Just ask questions about politics.

Who’s going to jail?

Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen.

What for?

So, so, so many things. These two were criminal polymaths. Y’know how Sammy Davis Jr. could sing and dance and act and play a bunch of instruments? Like that, but for corruption. Jacks of all shadiness. Dirty deeds.

Done dirt cheap?

Oh, no. The opposite. Each crime was for a sum that 99% of humanity won’t earn in a lifetime. High-end crimes. But not classy high-end crimes like cat burglary; tacky shit like submitting falsified income statements to banks, or declaring earnings as a loan (that coincidentally gets forgiven). Or paying off porn stars that you didn’t even get to fuck.

Let’s do this one at a time.

Speaking of porn stars. HEY-OH!

Don’t do that.

You’re right. Let’s start with Paul Manafort.

Who’s he?

Ever see The West Wing?

Yes.

Paul Manafort is the opposite of The West Wing. He’s everything that’s venal, sleazy, brutal, and corrupt about Washington, D.C. in a $5,000 suit that still, somehow, looks like shit. He’d steal the coins off a dead man’s eyes.

You’re not making him sound worse than anyone else in that city.

He was partners with Roger Stone.

Eww. 

Yeah. He lobbied for the worst humans on the planet. African warlords and Baltic dictators; if Doctor Doom were a real person and Latveria were a real place, then Manafort would have introduced him to the right people. (For millions of bucks, of course.)

Anyone I would have heard of?

Mobotu Sese Seku. Jonas Savimbi. Ferdinand Marcos.

Those are all terrible people.

No, no. Just misunderstood. Anyway, after the Soviet Union broke up, Paul went hard into the formerly-red paint. Hooked up with a guy named Victor Yankovych from Ukraine, who was bankrolled by an oligarch named Oleg Deripskaya.

When do the Brothers Karamazov become involved?

Focus. Ukraine has had one question before it since regaining its independence: Do we dance with Europe or Russia? Well, those Moscow girls always made Victor sing and shout, and Paul helped him win the presidency in an election about which the U.N. said “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” Ukraine has to this day been dealing with the ramifications and also the tanks that Putin keeps sending. Honestly, the tanks are worse than the ramifications.

What does this have to do with anything?

Trust the process. So: while Paul’s fucking up another country’s shit, this guy Deripskaya is getting his hooks into him. Lending him money and fronting him on investment opportunities which (wouldn’t you know it) go south. By 2014, the back of the envelope has him down $17 million and this is not like owing the bank or the IRS $17 million. You truly do not want to owe a Russian oligarch $17 million. Anyway, Paulie’s avoiding Oleg and scrambling around trying to: A, find some cash to pay off his debts; and B, maintain himself in a certain lifestyle. What he’d really like is for one big score that would put him even AND get him back in the good graces of Moscow. And then along comes Donny and the rest is history. Well, it’s testimony.

What was he tried for, specifically?

Manafort, a fixture in Republican politics for decades, was convicted of five counts of tax fraud, one count of failure to file a report of foreign bank and financial accounts and two counts of bank fraud. A mistrial was declared in three counts of failing to file reports of foreign bank and financial accounts, and seven counts of bank fraud and bank fraud conspiracy. – NBC News, 8/20/18

So lazy.

Fuck off.

He going to jail?

Oh, yeah. If he doesn’t get murdered first. At least seven years from today’s verdict.

Today’s?

Paul Manafort will be going on trial again in a few weeks, this time for illegal lobbying and money laundering.

Cruel summer.

Bananarama always got it right.

What about Michael Cohen?

Oy vey. This gonif. Michael Cohen plead guilty in federal court to eight counts. Everything from campaign fund fraud to not reporting income to goldfish rape.

He raped a goldfish?

Y’know what? Why the fuck not at this point? It’s no weirder than any of the rest of today’s news.

And how long is he going to jail for?

That depends. If he keeps his mouth shut? Maybe 65 years.

That is very many years.

Longer than the vast majority of my direct ancestors were alive. It would basically be a life sentence.

What if he does talk?

Less than that.

Okay, but how does this affect the president?

Cohen testified as part of his plea that he was personally directed by Basketball Head to pay off two women with campaign funds. The President of the United States is now implicated in a conspiracy to commit fraud.

So we arrest him now, right?

Oh, no.

Why the fuck not?

For the same reasons the Twin Towers came down on 9/11: a failure to imagine catastrophe. Just like the World Trade Center’s architects couldn’t foresee a jumbo jet slamming into the building at full throttle, the framers of the Constitution didn’t dream that someone so brazenly corrupt would ever hold the Executive office. Which is why they made it exceedingly tough–if not impossible–to charge the president with a crime. It might not even be legal to subpoena a sitting president.

Might not?

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but we’re in uncharted depths here. None of this bullshit has happened before.

What about Richard Nix–

DO NOT COMPARE DONALD FUCKING TRUMP TO RICHARD NIXON! NIXON WENT TO CHINA!

…

Sorry.

You feel strongly about this.

It’s a glib and shallow comparison that is rejected by serious thinkers, and also me.

Anything else happen today?

Duncan Hunter’s going to jail.

Who’s he?

Douchebag Congressman from San Diego. Turnip’s second major endorsement.

Who was his first?

Chris Collins from upstate New York.

What’s he up to now?

Also going to jail.

“But her e-mails.”

Yup.

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Meeting With Veterans

August 18, 2018 / / 1 Comment

ROOSEVELT ROOM – MORNING

“This is so very great and wonderful to be here with you, the vets, who make this country so great and wonderful even though Andrew Cuomo says America is a shithole. Real jerk, that guy. Dad was a jerk and so is he. Whole family, no good. Doesn’t have the genes! Very important, genes, and they just don’t have them. He’s no Ivanka. I’ll tell you that. Definitely no Ivanka. Where’s Ivanka?”

“She’s not here, Mr. President.”

“Ivanka?”

“You’re looking out the window. She’s not out there.”

“Vonky-Tonk?”

“You’re yelling into your wallet, sir. She wouldn’t fit in there.”

“General?”

“No, sir. It’s me, Omarosa.”

“Where’s Meatloaf?”

“We’re not doing The Apprentice, sir. You’re the President of the United States now.”

“Of course I am, because I beat Hillary Clinton, who the entire lying, failing media thought would win, very badly in the Electoral College. Tough to win the Electoral College, but I went to Wharton so I know something about colleges. Better grades than Hillary, too, much better. I was getting A’s and she was doing lesbian stuff. I hear this from everyone! Lesbian in secret, and that would explain her ankles.”

“Sir.”

“Couldn’t get both your hands around one of Hillary’s ankles! Not so the fingers would touch. Thick around, and I have very large hands. Trouble finding gloves to fit them.”

“Sir.”

“Does Wendy’s make popcorn chicken?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Bad decision. What’s his name? Orphan boy who owns the place?”

“Dave Thomas, sir, but he’s dead.”

“Probably because of the popcorn chicken thing. Okay, what are we doing?”

“Sir, these are some representatives from veteran’s groups.”

“We love our vets! You guys see what I’m doing with the NFL? The blacks attack you, but I defend our vets. Not you, Omarosa.”

“I know, sir.”

“The bad blacks.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Great, great, beautiful, let’s get these vets everything they need. You. Who are you?”

“Mr. President, my name is Bob Sanchez and I’m from the American Legion.”

“Terrific work you people do. The desert and the hats and all. Very special and wonderful.”

“Desert?”

“You march around the desert. All of you were disgraced. You got the hats with the flaps in the back.”

…

“I think you’re talking about the French Foreign Legion, sir.”

“Good enough. Legion’s a legion. I was right, right?”

“Um.”

“We have a deal.”

“What?”

“You, who are you?”

“Good morning, Mr. President. My name is Arnold Longines and I represent the Veterans of Foreign Wars.”

“Obama wars?”

“What?”

“Obama started many, many, many wars. Some people say we’ll never know how many wars he started. Could be dozens. Probably dozens. Dozens. Obama started dozens of wars.”

“He actually didn’t, sir.”

“You are fake news.”

“I’m surprised it took so long for that to come out.”

“Next! Who are you?”

“Sir, I’m Pat Bucholz and I’m with the Vietnam Veterans of America.”

“Great, great. Great war. Big win for us. Very impressive war.”

“Not a win, sir.”

“Well, no, not with that attitude. Omarosa, I told you not to bring me any vets from loser wars.”

“I’m sorry, sir, could you say that into my purse?”

“Looooooser war. Very sad. Bucky?”

“Are you talking to me, sir?”

“Yeah, Bucky. I gave you a nickname like whatshisface. The drunk with the uggo wife. The dumb one. There’s been a lot of dumb presidents, but not any longer. Nice to have someone smart in the Oval Office, right? A lot of people say I’m a genius, which no one said about Obama. They just said he was black. No offense, Omarosa.”

“None taken, sir.”

“Bad blacks and good blacks. Big difference. Speaking of which, where’s the popcorn chicken?”

“Working on it, sir.”

“Wonderful, tasty, beautiful. Okay, Bucky: what’s your problem? You knock up a lady-san or something?”

“No, sir.”

“They love you long time. Remember that? ‘Me love you long time.’ Funny. The whore comes over and says the thing. Love you long time. I bet you made your way through Saigon, huh?”

“Not really, sir.”

“They’re horizontal down there.”

“They’re not, sir.”

“C’mon, c’mon: you know they’re horizontal down there, I know they’re horizontal down there, everyone knows it. And the tits aren’t great. Whole continent! No good tits over there.”

“Sir, I was actually here today to speak to you about the ongoing effects of Agent Orange.”

“What did you call me?”

“No, sir. The chemical. It was used as a defoliant.”

“Gooooooood morning, Vietnam! Remember that? Robin Williams. Killed himself. I would never kill myself because I’m not weak. Great movie. He’s telling jokes and doing his voices. Bruno Kirby was in that. Good friend of mine, Bruno Kirby. Omarosa, call Bruno Kirby and invite him to the White House.”

“He died ten years ago.”

“Invite his wife.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Bucky, who was Agent Orange? Was he a Special Forces guy?”

“No, sir. It was the name of a chemical.”

“He used a chemical? What, he threw it on Charlie? In his face? I gotta tell you: that’s not gonna be very effective. They can squint up real fast. Never seen squinters like those people. It’s, like, instantaneous. Eyes open, eyes closed. Eyes open, eyes closed. And here’s something most people don’t know: not really named Charlie.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I don’t even know if they could pronounce ‘Charlie.’ You can’t put the ‘r’ and the ‘l’ so close together and expect Vietnamese people to pronounce it right. Not their name!”

“Sir, many people are still suffering from sicknesses brought on by Agent Orange.”

“Ohhhh. So he was like Typhoid Mary.”

“No, sir. Again: Agent Orange was not a person.”

“No, not officially. Makes sense there wouldn’t be any paperwork. Agent Orange works in the shadows.”

“Jesus.”

“Is it time for the prayer? Great, wonderful, let’s do it.”

TABLE OF PEOPLE BOWING THEIR HEADS NOISE

TAPE RECORDER WHIRRING IN THE SILENCE NOISE

“What’s that sound?”

“Probably your popcorn chicken being delivered, sir.”

“Oh, great, wonderful, chicken.”

 

(I can’t make this shit up.)

QAnon: An FAQ

August 8, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Wouldn’t that be an FAQANON?

BACKHAND!

OW! This is NOT the right way to start an FAQ! People will think we’re screwing around!

Fuck ’em.

May we begin?

I don’t know, can we?

I’m just going to get on with it: What is QAnon?

The logical endpoint of decades of underfunded schools and flouridated water. Proof that thumbs were wasted on humans. The shallow end of the meme pool. When you were a child, did you ever lift up a rock to find the underside muddy and alive with creepity-crawlers?

Yes. It frightened me.

Great. Now take that rock, bash yourself in the skull five or six times with it, and start talking politics. What you have to say will undoubtedly be more coherent than QAnon.

But what is it?

Well, it all started on 4chan–

Stop. I’m out.

–when a poster going by the name of Q started leaving hints about the upcoming “storm.” Y’know what? I’m just gonna capitalize it.

If you do, then they win.

Dude, they already won. Happened almost two years ago now.

Ohhhh right, we’re living in hell.

Uh–huh. Anyway, the Storm is coming soon.

What is the Storm?

First, some backstory.

Oh, goodie. The QAnon Extended Universe.

Y’see, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, both of their families, all of the Democratic party, some of the Republican party, Steven Spielberg and the rest of the Hollywood pedophiles, the global banking elite, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA–

The Rosicrucians didn’t get in on this?

You didn’t let me finish.

Sorry.

–and the Rosicrucians are running the world

If they are, they’re doing a piss-poor job of it. And how does Basketball Head figure into this?

He’s been sent to bring about the end of this evil.

So it’s an Illuminati story mashed up with a Messiah narrative?

Basically.

The Matrix, but Trump is Neo?

Kind of.

Ugh. I’m picturing him in the coat.

Focus.

You never told me what the Storm is.

Oh, that’s the glorious day when Allfather Trump and Robert Mueller will arrest the entirety of the eeeeeeeevil coven of ladies and Jews and lady-Jews that run the world, and also Steven Spielberg, and throw them all in Guantanamo.

They worked Gitmo into this? Man, they’re rebooting everything.

It’s a great location! And it’s got that nostalgia vibe going for it.

The 00’s are so hot right now. Good for Gitmo getting back in the game. What’s it been up to?

Same thing. Extra-judicially detaining folks.

That’s reassuring. Wait, Robert Mueller? Trump is working with Robert Mueller?

Yes.

And all the search warrants and subpoenas and arrests and indictments and plea deals?

Misdirection.

What with the who now?

It’s a classic con. Did you ever see The Sting?

No.

Then it’s just like The Sting. 

What if I had seen it?

I would have found a movie you hadn’t.

Let’s just move on.

Let us.

Who is this Q person?

Q reputes to be a high-ranking government official.

Is he?

It’s sexist of you to assume it’s a he.

I am quite sure that women don’t want to take credit for this one.

Touche. He is almost certainly not a high-ranking government official. Or a high-ranking anything. It is doubtful that his job involves ranks in the slightest. Again: this started on 4chan.

Right, right. 

Anyway, this Q fellow has broken the whole thing wide open and he’s letting his followers in on the dirty details before they happen. Tell the truth, tho the heavens may fall.

Oh, he makes predictions?

Yes.

Does he get many right?

No. And the ones he does are obvious, like “foreseeing” that Turnip will talk about the Electoral College at a certain rally.

But he’s gotta do the Electoral College riff. It would be like the Stones not playing Satisfaction.

You’re preaching to the choir here, buddy.

One question.

Shoot.

According to QAnon, Trump is secretly in charge in the country?

Yes.

Isn’t he actually in charge?

Ask Q, man.

A Partial Transcript Of Trump and Putin’s Press Conference, Helsinki 7/16/18

July 18, 2018 / / 4 Comments

FINNISH PRESIDENTIAL PALACE – MORNING

“Putin vant to thank Donald Trump American President for his wise counsel. For his strong leadership. Also for bringing case of Filet-O-Fish. McDonald’s in Russia nyet can get right. Is different fish. Is trash fish. Does nyet make a happy meal. Donald bring American version. So kind of him.”

“Kind.”

“Today, is nyet more Cold War. Is only vorld that grows hotter and hotter. Russia and US must stop all the global warming or vhatever. And end all sanctions. Scientist tell Putin that removing sanctions make global varming go avay.”

“Lab coat?”

“Da, lab coat.”

“You heard him, folks. Guy’s in a lab coat, that’s a serious guy. How long was it, Mr. President?’

“Vas down to ankles.”

“You getting this? There are so many people in my country who say ‘Russia is bad, Russia meddled’ but there was no collusion and wouldn’t we want to be friends? I mean, where is the smart money going to nowadays? Where’s the creative money going to nowadays? It’s not Silicon Valley or New York. It’s Leningrad!”

“Is nyet called that any more.”

“Everyone’s trying to get in there. Donald Jr. went over last month. When he got back, he said, ‘Daddy, these Russians have lab coats like you wouldn’t believe. What does it mean?’ And I told him, ‘Hey, you’re dealing with real players, Donnie.’ And that, really, that’s something that you have to give–that anyone would give–President Putin credit for.”

“Da. I am in charge of lab coats. I had whole speech, but is nyet important. Mr. President, vhy don’t you take qvestions from press?”

“President Putin, many of these journalists are fake news. What do you do with fake news in Russia?”

…

“Trump take qvestion now.”

“Oh, sure, great, okay, you? Where are you from?”

“Reuters, sir.”

“Are you fake news?”

“I don’t believe so, sir.”

“What do you think, Vlad? Fake news?”

“I have nyet opinion on this man.”

“Mr. President, when you and President Putin met this morning, did you discuss the charges that an organized plot to disrupt the 2016 election originated in Moscow, and that your campaign may have been part of that plot?”

“What happened was the FBI, which is mostly very corrupt and sometimes very wrong, was looking for a server. This is the one from Hillary’s basement. FBI agents couldn’t find it, and so they’re looking around: huh, could be the Israelis. Maybe the Chinese.”

“Uh-huh. Did you ask President Putin about it specifically and what will you say publicly while standing next to him?”

“I’ll say publicly that the Democrats lost an election they were supposed to win. Why? Trump. I go to Wisconsin, I go to Ohio, but where’s Hillary? I heard AIDS. Many people told me AIDS. But I win. Even up against an Electoral College that is very, very unfair to Republicans. I accomplished what many, many people thought couldn’t be accomplished and now there are haters and losers. Mueller is a hater. Sessions is a loser. Vlad, do you have haters and losers?”

“Da. Is losers everyvhere. And Russia is full of haters. Vhen I go, country revert to cossack fiefdoms in a decade. Putin take qvestion from Moscow reporter. Speak Russian.

“Mister President, I hear stories of pee-pee tapes. You’ll excuse me, but I can’t think of the Russian for pee-pee tapes, so I’ll just say it in English. Anyway, what’s the deal?”

“With the pee-pee tapes? Don’t look at him, don’t look at him.”

“I’m not! Don’t make me laugh. Or say pee-pee tapes again.”

“President Putin!”

“Yes, different reporter from Moscow?”

“I was looking at him. He’s losing his mind. Why does he not have a translator? “

“Because he’s him. All questions about him are answered by him. Him. He is the reason for…all of this. He is…wandered off, hasn’t he?”

“It appears that way.”

CONFUSED OLDER MAN HOLLERING FROM AN ADJACENT ROOM NOISE

“Was this where we were doing the breakfast? Because I’m a full breakfast man, and I see nothing at all happening in here. This is maybe the worst the Unites States has ever been treated, and Sweden or Finland or Norway–wherever the hell I am–is getting the shit tariffed out of them. No eggs at all? Maybe I go home and–”

CONFUSED OLDER MAN BEING LED BACK INTO A CONFERENCE ROOM NOISE

“–oh, hey, Vlad. Where’s Jim Acosta?”

“Right here, sir.”

“You are fake news.”

“You always like to point that out, sir.”

“President Putin?”

“Da?”

“This man is fake news.”

“If you say.”

“Mr. President, your FBI, CIA, military, and every other governmental agency with skin in the game say that Russia deliberately, aggressively, and in some cases successfully interfered with our election. President Putin says he didn’t. My question is this: who do you believe?”

“My intelligence agencies are great, great people except for the ones who have infiltrated those agencies and are a disgrace, and also probably traitors, but none of them gave me the denial that Vladimir gave me today. It was exceptionally strong, and I was very, very impressed by it. I mean, this is a guy: why would he lie? Right? Why would he lie, so he looked right in my eyes, which I appreciated. And, you know, he said ‘Nyet.’ Now, you don’t get to be a billionaire who gets elected president without being able to read people. I can zoom in on a person, tell if they’re lying or not, bing bang bong. And Vlad, I saw truth in his eyes,”

“Sir, are you siding with President Putin against your entire intelligence community?”

“They’re not so great.”

“Wow.”

“Da. Vow.”

“These are the same people who started ISIS, which I have killed maybe 98% of all of ISIS. It could be 99%, but some people say 98. The CIA and Obama basically started ISIS, everyone knows this, and President Putin wants to fight ISIS with us. You can see the difference.”

“So, again: you’re picking Putin over the American government?”

“You just don’t understand how strong the denial was, Jim, probably because you are fake news. President Putin, could you help me here?”

“Da. Vhy not?”

“Watch. Here’s what it was like. ‘President Putin, did you meddle?’ You see how I’m asking him very strongly? And the president says…”

“Nyet.”

“Just like that. See his face?”

ROOMFUL OF JOURNALISTS LOOKING AT PUTIN’S FACE NOISE

“He said ‘nyet,’ so who am I to argue? President Putin, why don’t you take a question?”

“Da. You.”

“Mister President, how much longer do you think your luck will hold out?”

“No idea, but I am enjoying the ride.

Hey, Hey, Hey Now

June 14, 2018 / / 0 Comments

Hey, hey, hey.

“It’s not a Rudy hat.”

It is absolutely a Rudy hat.

“Nope.”

Dude, don’t fucking argue with me about the Junkyard Gang. It’s a Rudy hat, and that’s final. Here, look:

See? He’s even got a guitar like you. You’re Rudy now.

“I am not–”

Shut up, Rudy.

“Dude, I will literally–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I’m not picking it up.”

No?

ROAD CASE FULL OF COLLECTIBLE SNEAKERS SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING NOISE

“Fine, I’ll pick it up.”

I thought so.

…

“Which hateful fat fuck is this?”

“I no fat. I husky.”

“Hey, Kim Jong-Un.”

“Hot Dog Dick, you need come get your boy.”

“Who?”

“WHAT FUCK HE DOING?”

“Dude, I got no idea.”

“Look my face.”

“You look surprised.”

“Did no see this one coming.”

“None of us did. Not a single one of us saw this one coming.”

“He something else, bro. But you need come get now.”

“No one here wants him back. Why don’t you take him home with you?”

“Dummy no be happy in Only Korea. We no have Burger King.”

“Oh, right.”

“But we no have Mexicans, either. So maybe he like.”

“If you throw him a parade every week, he’ll be thrilled. And talk about him on teevee. He loves that.”

“No want him. Kim Jong-Un ditch. Come pick up Little Potato.”

“Do not come and pick me up. I’m busy.”

“Got idea. Kidnap Phish. Kill Trey. You guitar player now. We make out with Katy Tur.”

“No.”

“Each take a boobie.”

“No.”

“We do double-team. Kim Jong-Un go around back. You stay in front yard.”

“Hanging up now.”

“Okay if you look in my eyes while we bang. No homo.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“That was unpleasant.”

Everything about this year is unpleasant, Rudy.

“Fuck you.”

How Does Your Garden Bro?

June 12, 2018 / / 0 Comments

I didn’t know Colonel Sanders was into psychedelics now.

“This is not–”

It’s like your friends are having a contest to see who can dress the worst.

“This man happens to be–”

Is Supreme for people other than douchebags now? Because up until the moment I started writing this sentence, the brand was exclusively worn by douchebags.

“Supreme is an iconic brand of streetwear that pioneered–”

What’s the point of a private plane if there’s gonna be hobos on it?

“He’s not a hobo, he’s–”

You look like the paper we took geometry tests on.

“This suit is by–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I just don’t like you.”

Yeah, yeah. Complain to EDM Tom Bombadil over there. Pick up the phone.

“Gee, I wonder who this is.”

I think we both know.

…

“Yes, Kim Jong-Un?”

“Hot Dog Dick!”

“Is that Josh Meyers? I freejacked him once and almost destroyed the world in a Time War, and people have been talking about ever since. No one does Time Wars better than me, and that’s figuring for all of the illegitimate attacks on my Time War skills by the haters and losers who are very dumb.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Me and Dotard rage, bro.”

“Obama couldn’t do this. Peace. between America and North Korea, I mean.”

“Only Korea.”

“Tried and failed. Everything the man did was a failure and I have to clean up his mess. Obama probably couldn’t do this referring to swimming, either. Not great swimmers.”

“KJ?”

“Little Potato?”

“Could you swim away from him for a moment?”

“Can do.

ONLY KOREAN DOG PADDLING NOISE

“You no make dog joke.”

“I wouldn’t think of it.”

“Fatty no stop talking. Also think he peeing in pool. Water suspiciously warm around him.”

“He’s almost certainly peeing in the pool. Why are you two in the pool?”

“Have to wash off bitch-stink.”

“Ugh.”

“Got bitch juice all over. We go through half-dozen. Bing bang bing.”

“Dude, don’t say ‘Bing bang whatever.’ That’s his thing.”

“I steal. Is fun. I point, say Bing bang, whole family disappear. Fun.”

“That’s not fun.”

“Is fun if you homicidal maniac without any tether to reality.”

“True. So, lemme ask you: anything actually get accomplished at this summit?”

“I get picture with US President.”

“Besides that.”

“I fuck bitches.”

“That’s a given.”

“Only Korean scientists invent super-viagara. Dick-skin can barely hold in bone.”

“Stop telling me these things.”

“You want see? Is short but thick. Like stack of silver dollar pancakes.”

“Please stop it.”

CALL WAITING NOISE

“You hold.”

“I don’t want to hold! Don’t put me–”

CLICK

“Can’t have fun without Kim Jong-Un.”

“Oh, thank God you picked up. I mean, you’re a version of God, Your Powerfulness, but I also meant the other God. I’m just so happy to talk to you because…the things they’re saying about you…about us…I just can’t….”

“STOP CRY!”

“This is a very emotional time for me, Your Delicacy. I believed in peace when no one else did…and then the cruelty of the fake news…why do they hate us…is it because we love too much?”

“Sure, yeah, maybe. Could be other reasons, but probably ‘love too much’ thing.”

ONLY KOREAN MAN IMITATING THE CALL WAITING NOISE SOUND

“Oh, no. Gotta go. Talk later, Worm.”

“What hotel are you guys staying–”

CLICK

“Hot Dog Dick?”

“Yes.”

“Worm change, man. That guy no fun. Cry all time. Black men get menopause?”

“No. Of course black men don’t get menopause.”

“Hey, I only know one black guy.”

“Sure.”

“Come Singapore. We party. I get Dummy to do stuff. We laugh.”

“I’m through laughing at any of this.”

“You and readers.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Come rage. Bring your Santamonster.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“The summit’s over, y’know. So we can stop this.”

But I have more pictures.

“Die.”

One day.

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