Some folks think about the Big Questions. World peace, shit like that. Not us, Enthusiasts. We wallow in slapdashery and detail-work. We are not that guy with the exceedingly foreign name and beard, Slobodan Victuals or whatever, no. We will waste our days on hargle-bargle cuz we know that there are no Big Answers, but it is awful fun to argue about Tiny Nonsense.
Join me in some Tiny Nonsense, won’t you?
VOCALS? If someone’s singing, then it’s PROG. If someone’s singing about chess or a yogi or the Battle of Thermopylae, then it’s DEFINITELY PROG. Vocals get in the way of virtuosity.
WHO’S IN CHARGE? If the guitar player is in charge of the band, then it’s PROG. If a keyboardist who used to play for Miles Davis is in charge, then it’s FUSION. If the drummer is in charge, then it’s INCONTROVERTIBLY FUSION.
DOES BRITANNIA RULE? PROG is from the ANZAC countries. FUSION is American.
BLACK GUY? If there’s a black guy in the band, then it’s FUSION. (That probably had more to do with the UK/US split than anything.)
DID THE KEYBOARDIST QUIT THE GROUP SO HE COULD SOLO OVER AN ICE CAPADE? That’s PROG, man. That’s some of the PROGGIEST shit I’ve ever heard of.
SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH? Ha-HA! Trick question! If the band speaks German, then clearly it’s KRAUTROCK. Fooled you, fucker!
CAPE STATUS If you’re in a FUSION band and you show up for the gig wearing a cape, you get fired. Let’s just make this simple: If you are allowed to get away with any Rick Wakeman-style bullshit, then you are in a PROG band.
GOOP ON YA GRINCH? If you goop on ya grinch, then you’re PROG. If you do NOT goop on ya grinch, then you’re FUSION.
What in the name of sweet sweaty fuck does “goop on ya grinch” mean?
I dunno. I dunno what it means, I dunno where it came from, and I don’t know whether it’s offensive or not. Someone said it on the innertubes and now it’s in my head.
Leave it there.