Heroes Of The Pandemic

Baseball’s been cancelled, but Americans keep stepping to the plate. Thoughts on the Dead is proud to shine a spotlight on some of them in this installment of Heroes of the Pandemic.

Marigold Anshlutz, 62, Rooster Pantry, FL Marigold lost her remote control in 2013 and has been watching Fox News ever since, so she hasn’t let the coronavirus scare her. She’s keeping the economy strong by going to the Chinese buffet place, the movies, a public pool, the library (Marigold likes to hide liberal books), and then the Chinese buffet again. And she filled the Dodge up! Sure, she sneezed on the gas pump’s keypad, but the purchase is more important here.

Humphrey Potato, 31, Chewy Valley, KY At first word of the virus, Humphrey and his brother Plum hopped in their truck and bought up every tropical fish from Atlanta to Minneapolis, then re-listed them on Amazon and Ebay at exorbitant prices. No one bought them because no one’s really thinking about fish, no matter how striking and exotic, right now. Most of the fish died, and the Animal Society is looking into it. Poor decisions from start to finish.

Chakra Khan, refused to give her age, Beverly Hills, CA Chakra insisted all of her staff get tested. The ones who came back negative were deliberately exposed to the virus so they could “get it over with and get back to work.”

Knifey the Boy Made of Living Knifes, 26, Tucumcari, NM Knifey ain’t worried. Knifey’s made of fucking knifes, homecheese. Ain’t nothing on this planet can hurt Knifey. Not since his dad died, anyway.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

To be less stupid.

And what did you do?

I was just as, if not more, stupid.

Why are you like this? 

Genetics and environment.

Well, fuck them.