- Kimberly Guilfoyle just chewed through an electrical conduit…and she’s fine. Yeah, I know it should’ve killed her. But she’s fine. Stronger, maybe.
- I need that graphic of Joe Biden eating a child now.
- Shit, that couple from St. Louis just saw Tim Scott and started waving their pistols around.
- Due to Cease & Desist orders, our music selection is limited to Kid Rock or…Kid Rock’s later albums.
- No, we can’t change the location of the Convention to Mar-a-lago, Eric. Why not? Because it’s Night Two already.
- I don’t care if the conditions of his bail permit it, Steve Bannon does not get a speaking slot.
- Do you smell ozone?
- We need a CD copy of AC/DC’s Back in Black to Don Jr’s dressing room, please.
- Legal has a problem with the graphic of Joe Biden eating children. No, I don’t think it matters what race the child is; it’s the whole concept they don’t like.
- Jon Voight won’t stop slapping everyone who’s not in the Trump family.
- Okay, I don’t know who put on Tomorrow Belongs To Me, but it’s not funny. Let’s be professional, people.
- Legal also says we’re not allowed to put a tattoo on Biden’s face that reads “I H8 WHITES.”
- We’re not executing any MS13 members. Was that ever part of the plan? Really?
- The guy who was doing the camerawork for the Boaters 4 Trump regatta dropped his phone in the Intercoastal, and we’re gonna have to punt on that one.
- Where did all these drug dealers come from? It looks like a Disco Biscuits show in here.
- Well, run down to McDonald’s and get more Filet-O-Fishes, then.
- Riiiiight. “Tiffany” Trump. A likely story. The President only has one daughter, and her name is Ivanka. Get out of here before I call the cops.
- We can’t set the zoo on fire. I don’t care if President Trump wants to hear what that sounds like. It’s just not happening.
- You dosed Nikki Haley? I dosed Nikki Haley. Jesus, how many people dosed Nikki Haley? We should check on her.
- Legal also says that the President cannot openly call for the murder of his enemies, especially by name. They were real serious about it, too.
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Your man, Phil
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