- Joe Exotic.
- Any of Joe Exotic’s husbands, including the one who’s dead.
- That prince who likes fucking teenagers.
- Billy and/or Mickey.
- Mariska Hargitay. (I would kill for Mariska Hargitay to be in charge right now. That woman takes no shit, she’s got the work ethic of a dozen Amish, and she’s not afraid to straight-up sock a disrespectful motherfucker in the nose. Plus, Stabler would stand behind her at all the press conferences, glowering at journalists.)
- Random hobo.
- The coronavirus itself.
- Zok.
- Tundro.
- Gleep.
- Gloop.
- Let’s just say that I would rather have any of the cast of The Herculoids than the homunculus we have now.
- Ringo Starr’s Australian counterpart, Dingo Starr.
- Any of the New York Times‘ op-ed writers, even the dumbfucks.
- That girl from middle school who fucked a snorkel and then the story about her fucking a snorkel got out and she had to switch schools.
- Day-old bread baked in the shape of Charles de Gualle.
- Grace O’Malley, the Irish Pirate Queen.
- Ching Shih, the Chinese Pirate Queen.
- Literally any Pirate Queen.
- Semi-intelligent dog with a racist name and a habit of biting old ladies.
- Deck of cards missing all the 7’s.
- The captain of the Costa Concordia.
- Sarlaac.
- The smell in a hockey team’s locker room.
- You.
- Me.
- Pretty much fucking anybody other than this slophound.
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exactly — especially the captain of the costa concordia!
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