Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: 1978 (page 1 of 12)

Casual Readers Should Quit After The Second One

Billy looks like a character in a Randy Newman song.

OR

Hey, Mrs. Donna Jean. Whatcha doing?”

“Ah’m wearin’ mah wizard robe, sugah.”

Happy New Year’s, ma’am.

“Bring mama her lime rickey.”

Yes, ma’am.

“Mama loves her a rickey.”

OR

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Phil and Jer are telling jokes and leaving me out again.”

Ah, no. That sucks.

“And, you know: I know great jokes. There’s the one about the bees.”

We all know the one about the bees. Does anyone in your organization have any plan to get the balloons off the stage?

“Huh. I, uh play guitar and do some singing. A bit of songwriting is also expected of me. That’s my whole portfolio. I am not involved with the logistical side of it.”

Sure.

“You should ask Precarious.”

Good idea. Precarious?

“Yo.”

Same question.

“No plan whatsoever.”

Thank you.

“Uh-huh.”

PRECARIOUS LEE EXITING THE SCENE NOISE

Oh, so that‘s what that sounds like.

“Not, uh, what you’re expecting. Different sound than you’d assume.”

Way different, yeah.

“It was my ringtone for a while.”

Nice choice.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I should take this; it might be Elvis Presley.”

That sentence is 100% true.

“Weir here.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, THIS IS ELVIS!”

“Oh, hey. Hold, please.

“Yeah, like I said: Elvis. Gimme a sec.”

Are you talking to me?

“Yeah.”

Why? That’s not how this bit goes.

“Right, but I didn’t want to be rude. Like, uh, Jer. And Phil. Mostly, I’m mad about Garcia ignoring me. Sometimes it’s nice when Phil ignores you, but it hurts when the Big Guy does it. And, uh, I didn’t wanna pass that rancorous sentiment down the line.”

How thoughtful of you. Thank you, Bobby.

“I’ll be back in two shakes of a wig’s tail.”

Sure.

“Elvis? You still there?”

“AH AM HERE, AN’ SO IS GRITS!”

“Grits?”

“AH HAVE ASSEMBLED A TEAM O’ KARATE-DOLPHINS. THIS ONE’S NAME IS GRITS.”

“Good name for a dolphin.”

“KARATE-DOLPHIN!”

“Team of what? Why?”

“TH’ KING WAS COMIN’ ON OUT TO BE YOUR HON’RABLE SECOND IN A KARATE FIGHT T’ THE DEATH WITH THAT HEWIS LEWIS FELLA. GONNA GET ALL UP ON THAT MAN THERE. AH’LL BE A SQUIRREL GETTIN’ A NUT.”

“Uh-huh. King, I gotta be honest with you: I do not pay attention to the bullshit around here in the slightest.”

“IT WUZ A STORYLINE.”

“I’m not doubting you, but I just care at the time, so I don’t remember now. Also, you know, the near-constant time travel has jumbled up all my memories. It’s like cut-up poetry up there.”

“NEVERTH’LESS, AH HAVE A PLAN TO HELP YOU REGAIN FACE. IN TH’ STREETS, WE CALL IT A GOOD NAME, BUT IN THE DOJO, IT IS CALLED FACE.”

“I’m familiar with the concept.”

“IN MAH HEART, AH AM ALWAYS IN MAH DOJO.”

“Ah.”

“SPEAKIN’ O’ WHICH: TURNS OUT DOLPHINS AIN’T PORTABLE. LEAST NOT ON LAND, THEY AIN’T. AH WUZ THINKIN’ OF ‘EM IN TERMS O’ WATER HORSES. AH MAHT HAVE TO TURN MAH PLANE, TH’ LISA MARIE, INT’ A FLYIN’ AQUARIUM LAHK IN THAT STAR TREK WHERE SPOCK STUCK HIS PECKER INNA WHALE.”

“I think I saw that one.”

“HAIRY GARCIA, AH WILL NOW CONFIDE IN YEW: MOST O’ WHAT AH USE MAH TIME CAPE FOR IS SEEIN’ FUTURE MOVIES. BEEN T’ EV’RY BATMAN MOVIE THEY GONNA MAKE.”

“Some of ’em were all right. I didn’t like the guy who did the voice thing.”

“NAW,  MAN. SOUNDED LIKE TH’ DING-DANG COOKIE MONSTER. AIN’T NO CRIMINAL SCARED O’ NO DING-DANG COOKIE MONSTER! SPENT THAT WHOLE DAMN MOVIE WANTIN’ T’ GIVE BATMAN A LAHZ’NGE! HAIRY GARCIA, WOULD YOU LIKE A LAHZ’NGE? AH C’N HAVE CHARLIE HODGE BRING YEW A LAHZ’NGE.”

“I’m all right.”

“CHARLIE HODGE GEN’RALLY BRINGS ME MAH SCARVES AN’ WATER, BUT HE COULD GET A LAHZ’NGE, TOO. WOULDN’T TAKE HIM BUT THREE OR FOUR TRIES. BOY’S DUMBER TH’N A DEAD CAMEL’S DICK. TOOK HIM A FULL YEAR T’ MASTER BRINGIN’ ME SCARVES, TH’N ANOTHER TWO T’ TEACH HIM WATER.”

“Y’know, you might want to have him tested by a specialist.”

“DOCTOR NICK HAS EXAMINED CHARLIE HODGE ON MANY OCCASIONS, SOMETIMES IN FRON’ OF ME AN’ THE BOYS.”

“Okay. Why?

“GETTIN’ MAH GOOF ON.”

“Cool. Gimme a sec.”

“WE STILL NEED T’ DISCUSS TH’ DOLPHINS!”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Ahem.”

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha and Elvis doing?

“Listen, man: you gotta make him a new friend. Let him bother Josh.”

Aw. come on. Elvis is great.

“He’s weird even for around here.”

He’s supposed to be: he’s Elvis.

The Loneliest Walk

Everything fuzzes and slides together, where you start and the world ends, and the colors eat each other.

The summers become one, but the beatings will remain sharp until they don’t; violence has an integrity which kindness does not.

And then no more faces, no more words, it’s all just the hard, white empty.

Now Take Another Step Back

Precarious?

“Yo.”

Was there any attempt to wrangle the fans into pens, thereby ameliorating the chances of a crush, or was no attention whatsoever paid to safety?

“Second thing.”

Okay.

No Human Being Would Stack Books Like This

Precarious?

“Still here.”

Did it have to look so janky?

“Didn’t have to, nah. But it was easiest.”

The lights look like they have a disease.

“There was a bug going around that tour.”

What’s with the misfit monitor?

“The wood one pointed at Keith?”

Yeah.

“Well, we switched out the homemade monitors for a professional system in ’77, I think. But Keith was attached to Monty.”

Monty?

“He named the monitor Monty.”

Did he talk to it.

“He did a lot of things to it. Him and Monty were close, let’s leave it at that.”

Jesus, you people were running a loose organization.

“Nothing organized about it, chief.”

The Ol’ Infield Shift

Precarious?

“Yo.”

How is this even possible?

“Anything’s possible if you don’t give a shit hard enough.”

It’s astonishing.

“We got used to it.”

Evidently. Are the lights in the wrong place?

“Nah, they love it there.”

What’s Mrs. Donna Jean doing?

“Wandering about in an angry stupor.”

1978.

“Yup.”

Hey, Son, You Wanna Try The Big Top?

There’s folks who like knowing how the trick is done, and there’s folks who don’t. Neither position is the morally superior one.

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

Enthusiasts, this shot of 5/15/77 from the St. Louis Arena has never before been seen.

That’s because it’s from Giants Stadium in ’78.

No.

That is clearly a stadium, not an arena. It is also clearly Giants Stadium, a dump to which we pilgrimaged to at least twice a year for our entire childhood.

No.

St. Louis.

Go sew your lips to a goose’s asshole.

I just wanted the nice people to listen to the Eyes.

Then why did you feel the need to lie to them?

I didn’t need to. I wanted to.

Go find a goose.

THE EYES IS SO GOOD!

Goose!

I Spy With My Flying Eyeball

  • Parish.
  • A biker who has been outlawed.
  • Fret-Eeze.
  • Hot lesbian action right next to the guy from the record company.
  • A band set up wrong.
  • Trio of chickies.
  • Schmuck in a hat.
  • Reef shark.

How many do you see?

I’d Walk A Mile With A Camel

“You sure this is the way to the stage?”

“Yes, sahib.”

“Usually, you know, Parish takes me.”

“Yes, sahib. Barish.”

“Parish, man.”

“Is no ‘P’ sound in Arabic, sahib.”

“Huh.”

“Seriously, man, I don’t see a stage.”

“Camel knows way.”

“This is almost as bad as playing Florida, man.”

“Is not as humid.”

“Yeah, okay.”

 

No Spandex Til Hammersmith

It’s an AUD, sure, but the sound’s decent and complete, and the band’s young and just-drunk-enough. Listen, or don’t, or take hostages; whatever’s your pleasure, cats and kittens.

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