Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Police Academy Film Series After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles, Part Two: Takin’ It To The Streets

  • Seven of ’em.
  • Plus two teevee series, one animated and the other live-action.
  • So next time you wanna make fun of the youths for the Fast & Furious franchise, shut the fuck up, Boomer.
  • Plus, none of the Police Academy films star Vin Diesel.
  • The best amount of Vin Diesel is none whatsoever.
  • I would rather not even be reminded of the homunculus’ existence.
  • Anyway, I’m on the fourth one and it’s gonna be the last in this series of posts.
  • This is Steve Guttenberg’s final appearance as Mahoney and, as the saying goes, When you’ve lost Guttenberg, you’ve lost America.
  • I watched the second and last night/this morning.
  • Wait.
  • “Watch” is too strong.
  • The movies played in my home.
  • I was present at the time.
  • Occasionally, I would glance up and think “Huh. A jet-ski chase. That’s a way to end a movie, I guess.”
  • Or just revel in the glory that was Bobcat Goldthwait.
  • The 80’s were Bobcat Time.
  • In Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, he played the city’s gang leader.
  • In Police Academy 3: Back In Training, he joins the cops.
  • Kinda like how Smokey became the Bandit in the third entry of that trilogy.
  • This was Bobcat, Younger Enthusiasts:
  • And that was most of his act.
  • Also, he yelled.
  • The stand-up comedy boom was so profitable in the 80’s that there was room for two performers whose acts consisted mostly of screaming unintelligibly.
  • (AN ASIDE: If he were alive today, Kinison would be the Trumpiest motherfucker on the planet.)
  • Mr Goldthwait would, upon closer listening, be revealed as an intelligent and insightful man who…
  • Wait a minute.
  • Police Academy 4 just made me laugh.
  • Out loud.
  • Not ironically, nor was I laughing at the film.
  • An according-to-Hoyle hard chuckle.
  • Not a guffaw.
  • Let’s not get absurd here.
  • But a good, stiff chortle.
  • As you know, the declarative of Police Academy 4 is Citizens On Patrol.
  • (The two cases of movie titles are nominative, which is the name of the series and goes before the colon, and declarative, which describes the particular episode and follows the colon.)
  • The cops are, as you would imagine, trying to get the inhabitants of their unnamed city to join the auxillary.
  • So they’re having a meeting.
  • Establishing shot of the community center showing a sparse crowd; a lectern with a cop standing behind; several officers seated next to him, some sad red balloons.
  • Close-up of Mahoney.
  • He says something about wanting to develop a better relationship between the police and the community.
  • CUT TO: The other cops playing with the balloons.
  • Y’know what?
  • Show, don’t tell.
  • Set-up:
  • Detail:
  • Punchline:
  • THEY PUT THEIR COP HATS ON THE BALLOONS!
  • That’s my aesthetic right there.
  • The guy with the hidden face is Bubba Smith, who won a Super Bowl with the Colts before becoming an actor who specialized in playing “guys who look like Bubba Smith.”
  • Anyway, now some skateboard punks, one of whom is played by a young David Spade, are on trial and for some reason the evil cop is also the prosecutor.
  • Luckily, he bends over and Michael Winslow makes a fart noise, and that means the judge has to release David Spade.
  • The city where Police Academy takes place runs on an entirely different code of justice than the rest of America.
  • Is it Napoleonic law?
  • I don’t think we’re in New Orleans; gumbo has not been mentioned.
  • HOLY SHIT, SHARON FUCKING STONE IS IN THIS?
  • She’s a lady reporter.
  • She thinks this whole “citizens on patrol” fooferall is balderdash.
  • Or something.
  • Really, she’s there to be Mahoney’s girlfriend.
  • Out of all the cast members, Michael Winslow is to be most respected.
  • He did all seven pictures, plus both teevee series.
  • If someone was willing to pay Michael Winslow to wear a cop costume and make funny noises, then Michael Winslow was available.
  • None of that “artistic integrity” bullshit for the guy who made really convincing fart sounds.
  • It is impossible to overstate how lazy the series has become by the fourth one.
  • They do the Blue Oyster Bar gag again, wherein the “bad” cops get sent to the gay biker bar, but don’t even bother to set it up.
  • It just cuts to the “bad” cops walking down the alley, and then entering the bar.
  • (I put “bad” in quotes because the antagonists of these films aren’t real bad cops. They don’t choke a guy to death for selling loose cigarettes  or anything. They’re just hard-asses to our wacky cop friends.)
  • Jesus, there’s Sharon Stone again.
  • Wax my ass and paint it with KISS makeup.
  • Sharon fucking Stone.
  • I feel bad for her.
  • Not as bad as I felt for Howard Hesseman when he was in the second one.
  • This was Sharon Stone’s first major motion picture; it was a big break for her, even if it was a shitty sequel to a shitty movie.
  • But Johnny Fever deserved better.
  • Plus, you could just see how sad he was.
  • The second and third flicks did have Art Metrano as “bad” cop, though, and Art Metrano used to do this routine on chat shows:

  • That’s a good routine.
  • And now the citizen cops have been made official police officers or something?
  • I dunno.
  • And there’s a multi-national cop convention going on?
  • Along with ninjas.
  • Hey, let’s give the series some credit: it took four movies to get to ninjas.
  • TotD’s Rule of Ninjistics: As the number of installments in an entertainment series grows larger, the probability of ineffectual ninjas getting involved approaches one.
  • Books, teevee, movies, whatever.
  • Eventually, you’ll get ineffectual ninjas.
  • The rockyroll equivalent of ineffectual ninjas are black-up singers.
  • Kiss me, Kate, it’s the climax.
  • A hot-air balloon chase.
  • I guess maybe the producers watched the jet-ski chase finale from the third feature, and said, “We can top that,” and that both did and didn’t.
  • You must admit that ending a movie with a hot-air balloon chase is both better and worse than ending a movie with a jet-ski chase.
  • Some of our heroes are not in hot-air balloons, but old-timey biplanes.
  • Which they know how to fly.
  • Y’know what?
  • I’m mad at myself for even having that thought.
  • I was like that pedantic asshole from Cinema Sins.
  • “Pssh. When did Tackleberry learn to fly a plane? That’s not been established in canon.”
  • The fuck is wrong with me?
  • This is nice, though:
  • This was pre-CG, so they just dangled a guy from a balloon a few thousand feet up and filmed it.
  • Very similar to Howard Hughes’ techniques.
  • Anyway, it’s over and we’ve learned nothing.
  • Let’s all of us go fuck ourselves.

2 Comments

  1. Tor Haxson

    Your dedication to this is impressive.

    Bobcat Goldthwaite..

    I am reminded of Shakes the Clown..

    “A bad clown can really fuck you up”

    • NoThoughtsOnDead

      His dedication to the consumption of “too many edibles” is what impresses me.

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