Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Thoughts On The Police Academy Film Series After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles, Part Three: Someone Fetch Dr. Nick; My Heebie-Jeebies Is Actin’ Up

  • Fuck it, we’re going all the way.
  • I’ve quit everything important in my life, but this I’m gonna finish.
  • You won’t beat me, Police Academy series.
  • I HAVE GRIT AND METTLE, DAMN YOU!
  • MY DEAD DADDY IS PROUD OF ME!
  • Dude, please.
  • Was that unpleasant?
  • For all involved; for absolutely everyone in the area.
  • Speaking of unpleasant, Steve Guttenberg has left the building.
  • He has been replaced by The Guy Who Didn’t Play Chainsaw or Dave.
  • Remember Summer School?
  • There were guys named Chainsaw and Dave in that flick.
  • The guy who’s in Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach did not play Chainsaw or Dave, but he might have, and so now that’s what I’m calling him and there’s nothing you can do about it.
  • Try to stop me, fucko.
  • Oh, right: they’re in Miami Beach.
  • I could explain why, but that would just be insulting both of our intelligence.
  • They’re there.
  • Accept it.
  • Gosh-a-rooty, the tropical hijinx that ensue.
  • Scarface also took place in Miami during the 80’s, but this is not Scarface.
  • No one gets chained up in a bathtub and chainsawed to death while Al Pacino watches.
  • Nor does Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio have a breathtaking bouffant.
  • Remember that shit?
  • You remember that shit.
  • Anyway: no Gutt.
  • Goot?
  • I’m using the diminutive for Guttenberg.
  • You know what it sounds like.
  • The Gutt!
  • He’s not here, and I miss him.
  • I want my Gutt back.
  • He should be awkwardly seducing Janet Jones, not The Guy Who Didn’t Play Chainsaw Or Dave.
  • Janet Jones bore Wayne Gretzky’s children; she is a superior woman.
  • She’s Gutt-level.
  • Not this guy.
  • Oh, yeah: Janet Jones is in this.
  • Each Police Academy movie has a new blonde for Mahoney, and now this guy, to woo in a half-assed romantic plot.
  • Except the second one, in which the blonde was played by Julie Brown and apparently The Gutt hated her and got her pretty much entirely cut from the film.
  • Perhaps it was because she wasn’t a blonde.
  • The Gutt’s got a type.
  • Or maybe Mahoney’s got a type, and The Gutt is just that committed to the honesty of the character.
  • Julie Brown actually did stand out from the other actresses.
  • Four semi-identical skinny blondes and Julie, who looked like this:
  • She was prettier when she wasn’t making that face.
  • Y’know what?
  • Fuck The Gutt.
  • Julie Brown was better than any blonde.
  • Hell, she made elaborate videos mocking blondes.

  • Okay, so Commandant Lassard has been kidnapped by Rene Auberjonois.
  • I forgot to tell you that Rene Auberjonois was in this.
  • He died recently, and this was not one of the projects mentioned in the first paragraph of his obituary.
  • But he got to play real broad, and then received a satisfying check, so good for him.
  • Anyway, the Miami police have let the imbeciles from the Police Academy do the rescue because, again, these are those kind of movies.
  • This will result in a chase scene.
  • There are fifteen minutes left in the picture, and so there will be a chase.
  • The Police Academy Universe is deterministic.
  • All roads lead to a indifferently-filmed, improbably-vehicled chase scene.
  • There can be no other conclusion.
  • YOUR STRUGGLE IS AGAINST FATE, TACKLEBERRY!
  • This one is with airboats.
  • They’re in Miami, remember?
  • Airboats.
  • Ever been on one?
  • Loudest conveyances in the world.
  • Like a Motorhead concert fucked a funny car.
  • Airboat is the Trumpiest means of transport.
  • I hate to keep bringing politics into it, but I needed to share that with you.
  • Not one single person who owns an airboat voted for Hillary Clinton.
  • FUCK IT IMMA KEEP GOING.
  • Police Academy 6: City Under Siege.
  • I can take it.
  • Thank you, sir, may I have another?
  • Brother on the Dead has a thriving career for which he is well compensated, and the most beautiful family in the world.
  • I’m double-fisting Police Academy movies at midnight.
  • You wanna know what I’m watching here?
  • The director’s name was Peter Bonerz.
  • That’s what I’m watching here.
  • With no offense to the man intended, but does it fill you with confidence?
  • “Hi, I’m Dr. Bonerz and I’ll be your heart surgeon.”
  • “You know what, Doc? I’ll just die.”
  • After the first one, the movies were all PG-rated, and so cannot be lumped in with the raunchy sex comedies of the 80’s.
  • They’re no Porky’s, or Revenge of the Nerds.
  • Both of which were also franchises.
  • Remember that.
  • People aren’t getting dumber.
  • People have always been dumb.
  • That’s why Communism doesn’t work.
  • Can’t give the people the power, because the people flocked to see Porky’s 3: Porky’s Revenge, and so clearly cannot be trusted.
  • I’m not gonna watch fucking Porky’s, even if I’m paid to do it.
  • Oh, who am I kidding?
  • I totally would.
  • I’m a low-rent whore, and I enjoy terrible movies from my childhood, and it’s not like I’m gonna write about the Grateful Dead on this website about the Grateful Dead.
  • Wowee, Mark Goodman and Alan Hunter out of nowhere.
  • This was 1989.
  • Both of them had left MTV, probably moved to Los Angeles.
  • Lotta people wanted to party with them.
  • Not a lot of offers.
  • Money got tight.
  • Mark and Alan started doing a private routine for discreet clients.
  • Anything to keep the lights on.
  • They filmed this one in Los Angeles.
  • The productions went back and forth between LA and Toronto.
  • Toronto is cheaper, but you can’t get big stars like Mark Goodman and Alan Hunter to cameo.
  • Certainly can’t get Vince Neil.

  • The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends towards a cameo by Vince Neil.
  • His scene was cut.
  • And he killed a guy.
  • Actually, he killed the guy way before this, but that’s how much job security Rock Stars used to have.
  • It was like super-tenure.
  • Nowadays, you bang one 17-year-old and your whole tour gets canceled.
  • Everything changes, nothing lasts.
  • FUN FACT: Vince Neil has been married four times, once to a mud wrestler that worked at the Tropicana, which was on Western and still open when I lived in Los Angeles, but never had the balls to go into.
  • Here, look:
  • And read.
  • LA was a lot sleazier twenty years ago.
  • Jumbo’s Clown Room is still there, but all the rest has been child-proofed.
  • Here’s the most important thing to know about Police Academy 6:
  • See the pattern?
  • It’s called the law of diminishing returns.
  • Literally.
  • The literal returns are literally diminishing.
  • There is no analogy present.
  • Oh, swat my balls and call ’em houseflies: it’s the chase scene.
  • And so we beat on, boats against the current.
  • Except the chase is not a boat chase this time.
  • A monster truck is in pursuit of a cherry-picker.
  • There is also a city bus involved.
  • Why?
  • I don’t know.
  • Don’t ask me what I think of the Police Academy series; I might not give the answer that you want me to.

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