“Hey, everyone. Welcome to Yuri’s Night, a celebration of humanity’s first entrance into space. Here with me on Zoom is the legendary Bob Weir from the Grateful Dead.”
“I’ve always wanted to meet you, Phil. You’re a hell of a drummer.”
“I’m not Phil Collins, Bob. I’m Scott Kelly, an astronaut.”
“I rescind my statement about your drumming prowess. An honest-to-gosh astronaut?”
“Yes.”
“Gee, willikers.”
“I spent a full year in space on the ISS testing the effects of long-term microgravity on the human body.”
“Ah. I spent 25 years on the road testing the effects of long-term microreality on the human body. So, uh, we’re kinda like twins.”
“I actually have a twin.”
“Triplets, then.”
“Let’s change subjects. How have you been quarantining?”
“Mostly by not leaving the house.”
“Yes, but how has it been going for you?”
“Thinking about giving myself bangs.”
“That bad, huh?”
“This is, uh, the longest I’ve been at home since 1975. Usually, I get about three weeks in my own bed, and then it’s back onto the bus.”
“You’re known as a relentless tourer.”
“Well, someone‘s gotta play Poughkeepsie.”
“True.”
“I have several questions about astronauting for you.”
“I’d be glad to answer them.”
“Are there long pants on all the spacesuits, or just the ones you wear in the winter?”
“All of them. Space is not the place for shorts.”
“Is there a dress code?”
“Not that I was aware of. Next question?”
“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood in space?”
“We’ve never brought a woodchuck into orbit, so I couldn’t possibly speculate.”
“Good call. You’re a man of science.”
ZOOM CALL WAITING NOISE
“Buzz, I gotta take this.”
“We can get call waiting? I thought this was a secure hookup.”
“I’ve learned not to question my technology.”
…
“Weir here.”
“Mr. Bobby, you gotta get me outta here!”
“You back in the brig?”
“I have been transported to a soil-situated prison! Mr Bobby, all my husbands have been confiscated and I am only allowed two hours a day to breed tigers! Whatever happened to the Constitution?”
“I think Nicolas Cage stole it.”
“Please help me! This is not a good location to be quarantined. Y’know how we’s supposed t’be social distancing?”
“Yuh-huh.”
“Well, in here there is social closening! Forced social closening!”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Oh, God bless you, Mr. Bobby.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH ZOOM ALMOST CERTAINLY DOESN’T DO THAT
“Buzz?”
“I’m not Buzz Aldrin, Bob.”
“Hell of a guy, Buzz Aldrin. Really gave that moon what for.”
“Sure. Who was that?”
“Joe Exotic.”
“What now?”
“He is more popularly known–”
“I know who the Tiger King is, Bob.”
“–as the Tiger King. Oh, good. You’re familiar. Well, uh, he’s got himself in a pickle. Another one. That guy’s got more pickles than a deli. Quick question: do you know anyone real high up in the Arkansas state government?”
“No.”
“Okay. Do you have access to a spaceship? One with stealth capabilities would be preferable, but anything’ll do as long as it’s fast.”
“I’m not gonna steal a spaceship with you and break Joe Exotic out of jail. That’s not even how spaceships work. You want a helicopter.”
“Ah. Follow-up question.”
“I don’t know how to fly a helicopter.”
“I’ve heard they pretty much fly themselves.”
“No. The opposite of that.”
“Ah.”
One of the benefits to living long and being open to experience is that among my circle of friends is a military helicopter pilot. She is reputed to have gotten quite good at doing corkscrew take offs, which is a great way to avoid incoming fire. It is, however, quite easy to mess up and hit the ground again while corkscrewing, so this takes both skill and calm nerves. Those images are my contribution to, “the opposite of that.”