“Good evening, ticketholders, and welcome to Terrapin Crossroads’ annual seder dinner. Since Passover happens to fall on 4/20 this year, we’ll be combining the two celebrations with a very special meal and haggadah. We’re calling it the haggadoobie. Rabbi, would you like to lead us in the prayer over the edibles?”

“Not a rabbi, Phil. I’m Ross James.”

“You do look rabbinical.”

“It’s just the beard. Half the guys in here look like me.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll do it myself. I don’t actually know Hebrew, so bear with me. Ahem.”

Barack Obama Illinois
And-a hey-ho melon something something
A chair, Miss Ivana, Bar Mitzvah Dave
I gotta lick shells.
Passover.

“That was great. I did a hell of a job. And with no rehearsal! Okay, how about the Four Questions? Rabbi?”

“Still not a rabbi, Phil.”

“Again, I will take care of this. Okee-dokee, remember everyone: we’re combining the seder with 4/20. Everyone got it?”

“They remember the premise, Phil.”

“Y’know, you’re awful talkative for someone who isn’t a rabbi.”

“Sorry.”

“If I may continue. Where did I leave the paper with the questions? Did anyone see it? Ross? Did I leave it in my coat? And those were the Four Questions. Now it’s time for the children to find the afikomen.”

“Here I am!”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s me, haredi yoga instructor Afi Komen.”

“This has gotten a bit surreal.”

“I’d like you to meet my wife. She doesn’t have a name.”

“Why not?”

“We treat our women like shit.”

“Happy Passover.”

“And a bitchin’ 4/20 to you, boychik.”