Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 22 of 1031)

It’s All Downhill Racer From Here

September 1, 2020 / / 2 Comments

Hey, Billy. Whatcha do–

“Murder Heist!”

Shit.

“Christ, I’ve been ready for some action. You know how bored I was last week? I almost read a book.”

Almost?

“Cranked one out instead.”

Awesome. Why are you at a film festival in 2017 with your son?

“The Murder Heist has gone transtemporal.”

Oh, no. Please don’t use the Time Sheath to steal from the past.

“And murder!”

Please don’t murder anyone at any point in the past, present, or future.

“That’s not my grift on this job.”

I’m almost afraid to ask.

“Gonna kidnap Robert Redford.”

Don’t do that.

“Wheels are already in motion.”

…

Did you dose–

“I dosed the Sundance Kid!”

–Robert…dammit, Billy.

“Gonna give it a couple more minutes. He’s gonna be real suggestible soon.”

And then?

“Straight into my kidnappin’ sack.”

You have a kidnappin’ sack?

“I mostly use it for skank-related purposes.”

Consensual?

“They stop struggling pretty quick.”

Jesus. Billy, please don’t abduct Robert Redford. How is that even part of the plan?

“Above my pay grade, Ass. I steal the pretty boy and bring him to Club Front. That’s all I know.”

This is awful. I mean, it’s nice that you’re spending time with Justin.

“Between you and me? He’s here for parts.”

Wha?

“Redford’s got some serious security. I might lose a kidney snatching him. Or a ball. So I brought all of Justy’s organs along.”

That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

“Every man for himself when it’s time to Murder Heist.”

I regret this storyline.

Ran Out Of Track…

September 1, 2020 / / 21 Comments

Hey, Mrs. Donna Jean. Whatcha doing?

“Mah part, sugah! Ah’m th’ getaway pilot.”

Wha?

“F’r the Murder Heist.”

Oh, goddammit.

“Ah’ll poke out y’r eyes if’n you blaspheme anymore.”

Sorry, ma’am. I’m just a bit frustrated by the durability of this stupid idea.

“Nothin’ stupid ’bout an old-fashioned Murder Heist.”

Why is it capitalized?

“Cuz it’s so proper, sugah.”

And you’re the getaway pilot?

“Mm-hmm. Course, Ah also provide a platform for th’ wingsuited ninjas.”

I suppose you can’t have a Murder Heist without wingsuited ninjas becoming involved.

“Be like peach cobbler without th’ peaches! Simply won’t do.”

Do we know the wingsuited ninjas?

“The Busboys from Terrapin Crossroads.”

Sure.

“Between you an’ me, them boys don’t have their papers, but they Christians.”

What precisely is getting heisted, and who is getting murdered?

“Oh, that ain’t how we do it ’round here. Compartmentalization is th’ key. Ah just know Ah land on Wilshire Boulevard right outside the Tar Pits at exactly 3:18 PM.”

Then what?

“I pick up mah passengers and get t’ scootin’.”

Your passengers? You don’t know who you’re picking up?

“Need t’ know, sugah. Ah was told that Ah’d recognize ’em. Prob’ly gonna be Elvis. Maybe Billy. Y’gotta admit this whole plan stinks o’ Billy.”

It does. I want to lodge my formal complaint about this storyline.

“They can’t all be winners, sugah.”

I guess not.

Bike Wheel Turn By The Thighs And Bob

August 31, 2020 / / 6 Comments

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Enjoying the great outdoors on my trusty bicycle. You might be able to see the USA in your Chevrolet, but it’s a lot easier to look at the woods on a bike.”

No helmet?

“Not with my hair.”

Sure.

“It would be a crime.”

I agree. You ever get any of the other Grateful Deads to go biking with you?

“Yeah, that’s pretty much a non-starter. I did try, though.”

How’d it go?

“Mickey just played the damn thing.”

Sounds right.

“Billy threw his through the front window of a small electronics shop called Discount Disco Lou’s.”

Discount Disco Lou?

“Lou had some fine prices, and he played a lot of Donna Summer. Name’s kinda self-explanatory.”

And why did Billy throw a bicycle through his window?

“Fit of pique.”

Yeah, okay.

“Hey, how’s it coming with the Murder Heist?”

What? That’s not happening. And it’s not a thing. It doesn’t exist, and we’re not doing it.

“Shame about that. Everyone’s excited.”

Everyone? Who’s everyone?

“You know, all the gang. President Nixon, Kim Jong-Un, Josh.”

Hold on. You guys talk when I’m not around?

“We, uh, have a group chat.”

Not good.

You’ve Seen Money Plane…

August 31, 2020 / / 1 Comment

Psst.

Oh, what?

I had an idea.

For the site?

Maybe. It could be for the site, or it could be for real life.

I don’t have a real life.

We’ll get one, muchacho.

Shit, I thought we weren’t doing “muchacho” anymore.

Still firmly in the rotation.

Great.

You ready?

Sure.

Murder Heist.

I don’t understand.

…

…

…

Murder Heist.

You came up with the title and called it a day, huh?

It’s almost noon. Mustn’t overwork oneself.

“Murder Heist” implies that the item to be stolen is murder itself. Which is not an item at all, but a legal concept.

Consider a team-up. Maybe we combine the murder and the heisting. Y’know where there’s a lot of people and cash? Cruise ship.

No cash on a cruise ship.

Lot of shrimp, though. Maybe we kill a bunch of loungewear-adorned feebs and scarf some prawns.

I want you to admit that you started this post without one single, solitary idea other than the phrase “Murder Heist,” which is like the password for a speakeasy only for dumbasses.

I will never admit that. Look, there’s a lot of Hollywood interest in the IP. Brett Ratner’s production company has already called.

Wait. Is Murder Heist a screenplay? I thought you were proposing a course of action.

…

…

…

Murder Heist.

I make a motion that Bold-Face Douche doesn’t get to start posts anymore.

Seconded.

Heeeeey.

All in favor? Aye.

Aye.

Nay.

Ayes have it.

Hindu Du Du, Hinda Da Da, Is All I Want To Say To You

August 31, 2020 / / 6 Comments

FUN FACT: Warren was kind of a dick about this collaboration. R.E.M. (they’re the backing band here) were just fans of the Excitable Boy, and they recorded the entire (better than it has a right to be) album in one night. Wasn’t even supposed to be released, but when it was and the first single, Raspberry Beret, did some business, Warren starting bugging the Georgians to do a full tour to the point where they stopped answering his phone calls.

FUNNER FACT: Despite their public persona of “Giant Pussies,” the members of R.E.M. were full-bore, speed-shooting, shit-starting, vomiting-on-stewardesses Rock Stars.

Fact-Checking Trump’s Speech At The Republican National Convention

August 28, 2020 / / 0 Comments
  • Transformers are not real.
  • There is no evidence to suggest that Joe Biden is part of the Yakuza.
  • Saying “Anoroc!” three times into a mirror has not been proven to cure COVID19.
  • Speaking of which, the American people should not be “lucky that they’re not dealing with COVID20 or 21;” these diseases do not exist.
  • Trump Tower is not now, nor has it ever been, one of Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.
  • President Trump did not “secretly manage the NY Giants” for any length of time.
  • Donald Junior is not a “strong boy,” nor is he a “good boy,” nor is he “such a good, good boy.”
  • The Constitution does not grant anyone the power to “turn Chicago into a giant prison like in Escape From New York.”
  • Cacti do not contain milk.
  • Nancy Pelosi was born and raised in Baltimore, not “belched from a stygian bog thick with foul magicks.”
  • There is no mechanism by which the President can add or subtract elements from the Periodic Table.
  • President Trump has ten grandchildren, not seven-and-a-half.
  • While former NFL great Herschel Walker has a solid reputation among his peers, he cannot rightly be called “the most respected Black of all.”
  • The language of Portuguese is not “just mumbled Spanish.”
  • Kamala Harris has never even been questioned in relation to a bank robbery, let alone served twelve years at Pelican Bay for knocking over a string of Wells Fargos in the San Jose area.
  • The Democratic platform contains no reference to “holding your white daughters down and shooting them up with dirty drugs.”
  • There is no such thing as a Reverse Pardon.
  • Iguanas and chameleons are completely different animals.
  • The Caesar salad was not named after Cesar Romero.
« Older posts Newer posts »

The Stacks

Follow Us

Google Verification

Follow Us

Follow me on Twitter

© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑