Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Suburban, Commando

Hey, Billy. Whatcha doing?

“Thoughts on my Ass! Long time, no care.”

I think the phrase is “long time, no see.”

“Nah, I meant that I haven’t cared in a very long time.”


“Excellent fuckmobile, the Suburban. You can do anything back there. Fattest chick you can find, it’s no problem.”


“You wanna fuck in a Porsche, she’s gotta have an eating disorder. Or a midget. But only the right kind! You can’t fuck one of those midgets with the chubby arms and Easter Island heads in a 911. Maybe if you got the top down.”

I truly missed these conversations.

“No position you can’t do in a Suburban. Skank on top, skank in front, taking a dump on a skank’s chest. The world is your oyster.”

Why would you do that?

“The dump thing?”


“Sometimes the skank is into that. And, you know, the road messes your stomach up. Gotta punch the poodle once in a while.”

Punch the poodle?

“The turd hitting her tittieballs? Sounds just like when you punch a poodle in the ribs.”

You should not know how either of those things sound.

“Here’s a fun fact: if you have a Stealie on your car, any member of the Grateful Dead can commandeer it in case of emergency.”

Like cops in the movies?

“Just like that. Back when he was Governor of California, Jerry Brown snuck it as a provision into a giant budget bill.  And it works in every state, too! That’s the Full Faith & Credit clause of the Constitution.”

That is absolutely not how that clause works.

“Hey, I ain’t the Supreme Court. Speaking of which–”

This won’t be good.

“–I’d toss that Mexican one a good thumping. What’s her name, Bongo Santamaria?”

Maria Sotomayor.

“I’d beat that ’til candy came out.”

Stop it.

“I’d give her an Illegal Immigrant.”

“I’d give her an Illegal Immigrant.”

“I’d give her–”

What’s an Illegal Immigrant?

“You sneak around back and cross the border without being invited in.”

Goddammit, Billy.


  1. BingosBrother

    I am fucking dying here. Til candy came out isPulitzer material. God bless your crazy ass.

    • mikemj

      Wow! You are right. I didn’t catch this first time around and I’m Mexican…well…half Mexican as my dad likes to point out.

Leave a Reply